Yes Lord, Yes

As I reflect over the past year I'm absolutely astounded at the doors that God has opened for me this year. I did many things that I never dreamed I would do.


I went into the year kind of down because I felt stuck. Like I was just existing in life and not really going anywhere. At least not anywhere significant. I thought, "I'm turning 30 and I haven't accomplished any of my goals." Can I say, right there I should've realized the voice I was listening to and it wasn't God's. The truth is I've accomplished a lot of things some were goals and some came out of no where. Do I have one's I haven't done yet? Yes. But that just means it wasn't time.


This was a year of change for me. In March, I lost some friends. In April, I lost my full-time job and all the benefits that go along with it. I could feel the change in my life as a new season, a new beginning. And I was scared. I've always been nervous about things, but my philosophy is do it afraid. I love the adrenaline rush of doing something I'm terrified to do. But this was different. I began having anxiety attacks, I was exhausted, completely drained, and I was afraid.


I knew God was in this. I could feel His presence so strongly, but sometimes our emotions don't line up. That's where faith and trusting in God takes over. It was a daily battle to remember that God was in control. Honestly, most of my fighting came from lying on the couch in my pajama's. But thankfully, God doesn't care where you talk to Him, just that you do. So while my emotions were putting me on the couch, God was building me up on the inside.


I was praying one night asking God to show me what to do. God is sovereign and since He was in control of me losing my job I knew He had a plan. I was just praying He would show me what it was. Shortly, after my simple prayer, I got a message on Facebook asking if I was interested in working at a camp for the summer.


I was excited as I felt God confirming that this is what He wanted, and nervous because my confidence had been shaken after losing my job. I knew immediately that I was supposed to do this, but asked for a few days to pray about it. I wondered if people were prying doors open for me. After checking I found that it was God opening doors. I was excited and scared. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. I thought for sure everything was going to come crashing down. But God took the summer to build me up in new ways. I was able to just minister with no big demands on me. I was able to encourage others and pray with them. I was able to just talk with people. It was great.


Shortly, after camp started I got a message asking me if I wanted to speak to teen girls at a breakout session of a women's conference in September. Again, I could feel God's hand knowing this is what He wanted me to do. They needed to know ASAP. I took the next day to pray and fast. And God showed up. The theme for the weekend was Embraced. I would only be speaking for a one-hour session, but I knew God wanted me to speak on Embracing His dreams for our lives.


God's dreams and our dreams can sometimes be radically different. We often make plans and then ask God to bless them, but how different would our lives be if we took time to seek God first. That's been my goal this year. Seeking God in the midst of loss and joy.


As I prepared to speak I was overwhelmed by my insignificance. I asked God, "Why me?" But not in a bad way, but in a humbled and awed way, that He would choose me. At that moment, I was overwhelmed by God. I fell to my knees as He answered, "You said yes." He began to reveal to me all the yes's that led me to this point in my life. I was humbled.

I want to encourage you to say yes to God. Say yes to the little things, the things that seem insignificant. Say yes to the things God puts in your path that might not be part of your plans. And just see where God will lead your yes!


There's a song that I love:
Yes Lord, yes
To your will and to your ways
Yes Lord, yes
I will trust You and obey
When Your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And say yes Lord, yes

The Almosts

My life up to this point is mostly defined by almosts. I almost have my Associates Degree. I'm almost a Children's pastor. I've almost written a book. I'm almost a certain age... I think you get the point. I've had a lot of starts, but no real finishes.

Does this bring glory to God?

Paul says to the Philippians, "Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (3:12). I've quit or given up on many things, or simply placed them on the back burner because of fear. I've allowed my almosts to hold me back from laying hold of what Christ has for me.

Paul goes on to say, "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward goal of God in Christ Jesus" (3:14). It's time for me to "press toward the goal." It's time to pick up the almosts and reach the end. It's time to finish the races I've already begun.

I want to be able to say as Paul said to Timothy, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." I can't say that I'm able to say this right now. Taking myself out before it's over isn't fighting the good fight. Fighting the good fight requires perseverance. It means leaving my comfort zone. It requires leaving everything out on the mat. Not ducking tail and retreating because I'm afraid I'm going to lose. Finishing the race requires endurance. I must press on until the end. No looking back. No turning around. I cannot say with confidence I have kept the faith. Although, I believe in God, my fear has limited my sight and faith of God. I say I believe God is all-powerful, sovereign, in control; and yet, I've lived as if He can't help me. My fear has spoken louder than my words. It has proven what I really believe by my actions. I've allowed fear and uncertainty to be the victors, when God has clearly said, I am more than a conqueror.

It's time to press on.

Love Keeps No Record

For a long time I've struggled with loving people the way I'm supposed to love them: especially my family. I've read, memorized, and quoted 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter. You'll see it on wedding cards and favors. It's always been a little reminder:

Love is patient.
Love is kind.

Blah, blah, blah. And then a few months back I heard someone speaking, or maybe it was in a book I was reading, but they said, read that chapter and everywhere you see the word love (or charity if you're reading the KJV) put your name. Wow talk about an eye opener.

Jennifer is patient
Jennifer is kind

Well I reviewed the one's I remembered, and thought would people really say these things about me? Could my family say these things about me? See if I asked myself if I was these things it would be easy to deceive myself into thinking I was something or someone I'm not. But if I looked from an outward perspective could I live up to God's standard of love. I'm sorry to say that I was severely flawed. And so to add insult to injury, I decided that I would read the entire chapter and ask myself honestly if I fulfilled the actions of love. As I began to read the chapter one line struck to the very core of me. "Love keeps no record of wrong" (vs 5). I was stumped, flabbergasted. This so clearly showed me what I desperately needed to change. And so I put my name in that line: Jennifer keeps no record of wrong. There was no way that line was true. It was a blatant lie.

I'm blessed with an amazing memory. I can quote conversations verbatim and even tell you what the people were wearing, how they were sitting or standing, etc. And so I knew I was keeping a record of wrongs: especially against my sister and my mother. And so anytime they upset me I'd put another tally in the column of my mind of why I was justified in my anger toward them.

And so the journey began.

Over the last couple of months, whenever I was upset with someone, and I'd say to myself something like "they always do this" or it would bring up something from the past, I would remind myself that love keeps no record of wrong; and consequently, Jennifer was to keep no record of wrong. This new attitude helped bring healing and forgiveness in my life. Because if I no longer kept the tally I was able to much quicker forgive both past and present hurts.

Then a new thought hit me. Someone said to me simply, "Thank you! I really owe you one." I tried to brush it off and they said, "No I do. I owe you." It disquieted me. Why? Because I felt like if I was doing everything I did to be paid back I was doing it out of an impure motive. And so this thought hit me: Love keeps no record of rights.

If I were to keep a record of all the things I've done to help people, because I truly love helping people and giving of myself, then I would have a long list of things. And what would that do? Well it would puff me up with pride. I'd be able to boast of all the things I do to help people, and isn't Jennifer wonderful. But who'd be getting the glory? Me! So now the things that I'd done to honor God, or just to be kind, have now become a score board. That score board then would lead to unforgiveness in a new way: "Well I've done this and this and this for them and they've only done this for me..." It would make me desire things and become angry at God, thinking that God somehow owed me more than He's given already because of all the "things" I've done for Him.

And so this thought has plagued me... Love keeps no record of rights.

Our job is not to keep score and make sure the tally balances out on both sides. Our job is to love 100% even if the people around us are only capable of loving 50% in our eyes. See our scale isn't to be each other. Our scale is Jesus Christ. He loved with everything. And since He loved with everything, how dare we cheapen His sacrifice, by doing any less!

Love keeps no record.