Live with Abandon

When I was 20 I made a list of goals. I made lifetime, ten year, and one year goals. Things that I wished to accomplish in my life and some steps I would need to take to accomplish these goals. Each year on or around my birthday I would evaluate these goals and see what I'd accomplished. This is the first year that I refused to do it.

There are a few reasons that I had chosen not to. The main one being I didn't want to look at all of the things that would not be accomplished by next year. Next year I turn 30 and that would be the end of the ten year goals. I didn't want to be depressed about all the things I've not done yet.

There's a song I often hear on the radio (I only listen to K-Love or Air1). It's called Live with Abandon by Newsboys. And I love that song because truly I want to live like the chorus states:
I wanna live with abandon
Give You all that I am
Every part of my heart Jesus
I place in Your hands
However the other day as I was driving my car to the garage to get it inspected, so that I could begin my busy day, I heard that song and part of the first verse struck me:
There's gotta be so much more to life than this
A higher calling that I missed
I realized immediately that I've been feeling as if I've missed something. That along the way some where I'd missed God's calling and that was it I was never going to get it back.

Almost 3 years ago I felt like God was speaking to my heart about how I was so wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do, that He couldn't move me. From there I began to evaluate my life and the things I was doing. They were all good things. But good things might not be God things if we're doing them on our own. So I went on a missions trip that summer, and it was amazing. I didn't want to come home. In fact, in the last area we ministered in were a missionary and his wife from Colombia. The wife asked me if I wanted to stay. I said, "Yes." She told me (through the interpretation of another woman who'd gone with us) that I could stay with them. That their church would take an offering for me and I could stay. I was flabbergasted. Could this be real? Could this really be what I was supposed to do? Needless to say, I did not stay. I came home and I felt like my path had been completely blown up. Everything that I thought I was supposed to be doing, everything I'd been working towards.

I felt as if I was wandering a desert with no real direction. Should I have stayed? Why didn't I? Was God calling me to the mission field? Is that His plan for me? My life was shaken and has honestly been in a state of disarray since then. I've been wandering. Wondering if I'd missed God's plan.

I've been working with the assistant pastor at my church and he's been brutally honest with me (which is good). He told me that he hasn't gotten a strong sense of who I am as a person in our meetings. Well seeing as I'd been wandering around not really knowing who I am or what I was supposed to be doing, I don't blame him.

Every Sunday one of the greeters at church hugs me and asks how I'm doing. For awhile he wasn't believing me (he could see through my church face). Because of that I've learned to be honest to the best of my ability. So when he asked me how I was doing on Sunday, I told him honestly that I was good, and then asked if he believed me. He said this, "It's not that I don't believe that you're doing good. It's just something." After further prompting he said, "Fulfilled. You're not fulfilled." This made perfect sense to me, since it was basically what the assistant pastor has been saying to me. And so I went into worship with a prayerful heart asking God to be my fulfillment.

And so as I was driving and I heard that song Live with Abandon and I had a revelation. I've been living as if I've missed my higher calling. But those first lines aren't speaking to me! Yes I want to live with abandon. Yes I want to give all I have to Jesus. But I haven't missed His plan for my life.

My life was shaken, but there are some definites that haven't changed. It's just taken me awhile to figure this out. God has called me to ministry; and no I'm not exactly sure what that is always going to look like, but right now it means I'm the Children's Ministry Director at my home church. When God called me to ministry I was expecting it too look a special way, but that's not the case. God doesn't live in a box and so I shouldn't put Him in one. If one day God decides that I'm to move me, then He can move me. My life is not my own. I surrendered that to Him a long time ago.

 So my goal for this year and the rest of my life is to serve God with everything right where I'm at. It's to do my best in the position I'm in, so that He gets the glory. I want to live with abandon!