To tell you my story I must start at the beginning. I remember it so well. I mean who could forget a visit with a heavenly being. I was just a girl when the angel Gabriel came and told me I was to conceive and give birth to God's son. I was perplexed, "How could this be?" But I believed God's message and trusted him.
He was a wonderful child. He never did anything wrong. Many mothers call their babes angels, but we all know they're really not perfect. But Jesus was. I think that's how we lost him one time. We never had to worry about him. He always did what he was told, and so when the caravan left Jerusalem we just assumed he was with some of our family members who had made the trip with us. After a day of not finding him we returned to Jerusalem. We searched for him for three days before finding him in the temple. He was sitting with the teachers asking them questions and astounding them with his understanding. When I questioned him, he told me he needed to be about his father's business. Again I was perplexed. But I hid his word in my heart. Jesus always honored us, his father and I.
I can clearly recall his first of many miracles. We were at a wedding in Cana and they had run out of wine. This is a huge faux pas. The couple would have been severely embarrassed. I told Jesus. Then I told the servants to do whatever Jesus told them to do. I was astonished when they filled the pots with water and then served it to the master of the banquet. But Jesus had performed a miracle. The water was turned into wine. And it was the best tasting wine that anyone had ever had.
For three years Jesus performed many miracles and taught the people. Some of the things he said were very confusing. He would antagonize the religious leaders with his words, but he was kind and gentle to the hurting, often ministering to them late into the nights. He would separate himself to pray. He knew how to communicate with his heavenly Father and taught us to do the same.
Our tradition was to go to Jerusalem for the Passover. My heart nearly stopped when I saw him about to climb onto the back of the unbroken donkey. I thought for sure he'd be bucked off. But he handled the wild beast in the same way he handled the people, with gentleness and it responded to him. He entered the city in triumph. The people waved palm branches and laid their coats before him. They shouted, "Hosanna, hosanna, blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord." Jesus was to be the King we had been promised. God promised us a Messiah who would save us. The people recognized Jesus, or so we thought.
Four days later after Jesus had finished his Passover supper with the disciples, he went to the garden to pray, which he often did. There soldiers captured him. They led him to the home of Caiaphas and then to Pilate. Pilate tried to release him, but the rulers of the synagogue riled the people up and called out for a murderer to be released, rather than my innocent son. They convinced the people that Jesus should be crucified.
My heart nearly broke as he was flogged, and tormented. I followed the crowd as he made his way up Calvary. I could barely see for the tears that flood my eyes. My son, my promise from God, the Messiah, was being led away like a common criminal. "He's done nothing wrong," I wailed. But they could not hear me over the cheers and leers of the crowd.
I watched as they nailed his hands to the beam and then raised him up over the crowd. They were not gentle with my precious son as they nailed his feet to the cross. Above his head stood a sign, "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews." At noon the world went dark. For three hours we stood there watching, some of his last words were "father forgive them." Even amongst all the torture Jesus begged God for the forgiveness of the people. And then he took care of me to. He looked at his best friend John and commissioned him with my care. I was to be his mother and he was to be my son.
When Jesus finally died, a righteous man petitioned Pilate for the body so that it could be properly buried. Myself and a few of the other women that ministered to Jesus, followed; so that, we would know where he was. We wanted to be able to return and properly anoint his body.
After seeing the tomb we returned to the city. We were unable to do anything the next day because it was the Sabbath and all work was forbidden on the Sabbath. On Sunday morning, we headed out early. We carried spices and perfumes to the tomb. The ladies and I were discussing how we were going to get passed the guards. I was his mother and I would not be denied entrance. We got to the tomb and were astonished the stone, that massive stone that had been protecting my baby boy had been rolled away, and where were the guards, they were nowhere to be found! I ran to the entrance, I let out a wail. My baby was gone. Suddenly there was an angel and he asked me, "Why do you seek the living among the dead. Jesus is not here he is risen!" My heart leaped for joy within me. My son, my promise from God, the Messiah he had risen. He had conquered death. He had truly become the one to save us. But not from the corrupt government, but from ourselves. From our own sins.
Jesus walked on the earth ministering for another forty days, teaching us everything we would need to know. And then, right before my very eyes he was taken up into the clouds but not before he commissioned us. We were to tell everyone the good news, but not until we received the promise from the father. We were to go to Jerusalem and wait. Wait we did. One hundred and twenty of us. And it came the promised comforter. The Holy Spirit. He empowered us to tell everyone about the Messiah. And the best news of all that He's coming back someday soon!
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Forgiven
I had a dream a few weeks ago. It was one of those dreams where I knew God was speaking to me. In my dream I saw someone that I'm not fond of at the moment - well let's just be honest, I'm extremely upset with the person. I saw the person and turned and walked away from them. I felt God speak to my heart saying, "You have an unforgiving spirit." Ouch. So I asked God to forgive me and said I would make it right. The person came in and I told them I was holding onto offenses against them. The person said, "Ya think!" And began to berate me. I got mad and walked away. Again I felt God telling me I had an unforgiving spirit. I sighed and knew I needed to make it right. I asked God for one more chance. I walked out into the hallway of the building I was in and here the person came with someone else, and I lost it. I was so mad, I began to have a temper tantrum. God again spoke to me saying I had an unforgiving spirit. And then I woke up.
After waking up I knew God was speaking to me. I knew I needed to make this right, but I was unsure how. So I prayed. While I prayed I could feel myself justifying my anger. And then I did what I've been doing for the last several months, I buried it. I decided I'd rather not feel anything than to feel anger. And so there it has sat, just under the surface churning.
The problem with emotions is they just don't go away because we want them to. Just because I don't want to feel angry doesn't mean I don't. We need to deal with our emotions. We need to bring them into submission just like we bring the rest of our body into submission. Our emotions need to line up with the cross and if they don't we need to make them.
This means taking time to acknowledge that they exist. Sometimes we can shut them down to deal with them later, as long as, we deal with them later. Undealt with emotions will stunt your growth and will bloom in other situations causing you to still have to deal with them. A lot of times if we become angry with another person, we lie to ourselves and say, "That person makes me angry." Sometimes we use not so colorful language to say that as well. But the truth is there is something in you that is reacting negatively to that person. Only by examining ourselves and our emotions can we properly deal with it.
Some simple, yet useful things I'm beginning to learn are:
"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." Martin Luther King Jr.
We must live in the spirit of forgiveness. Not just burying our emotions, but truly forgiving people as the offenses occur. Even in our justifiable anger we must submit to a spirit of forgiveness. There are a lot of things we feel we have the right to be mad about; however, the Bible is clear - “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. BUT if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15 (emphasis added).
Think about it for a moment... You have done WAY more to offend the Father (God), than anyone has done to you. And if anyone is justified in their anger it would be God. But instead of holding on to His anger, He sent Jesus to be the payment for our sins. "For God so loved the world that he gave..." (John 3:16).
And here lies the key, we need to love people. Love those that hurt us, love those that use us, love those that have wronged us. That love lies in the spirit of forgiveness knowing that God forgave us, and if He did not even spare His own Son. How could we possibly hold back anything from Him? And He is the one asking us to "love our enemies."
Here's the flipside:
When you know you've offended someone, make it right - right away. Sometimes we try to cover the fact that we've hurt someone. We snap at them and then moments later make a joke or try to be nice. The problem is we were wrong and what we need to do is say, "I am sorry." Hardest three words in the English language. We need to lay down our pride and make it right. Don't justify the wrong you committed in the same way that you would justify your anger.
We need to live in a Spirit of Forgiveness, that means forgiving others and seeking forgiveness from others. Remember you have been forgiven.
After waking up I knew God was speaking to me. I knew I needed to make this right, but I was unsure how. So I prayed. While I prayed I could feel myself justifying my anger. And then I did what I've been doing for the last several months, I buried it. I decided I'd rather not feel anything than to feel anger. And so there it has sat, just under the surface churning.
The problem with emotions is they just don't go away because we want them to. Just because I don't want to feel angry doesn't mean I don't. We need to deal with our emotions. We need to bring them into submission just like we bring the rest of our body into submission. Our emotions need to line up with the cross and if they don't we need to make them.
This means taking time to acknowledge that they exist. Sometimes we can shut them down to deal with them later, as long as, we deal with them later. Undealt with emotions will stunt your growth and will bloom in other situations causing you to still have to deal with them. A lot of times if we become angry with another person, we lie to ourselves and say, "That person makes me angry." Sometimes we use not so colorful language to say that as well. But the truth is there is something in you that is reacting negatively to that person. Only by examining ourselves and our emotions can we properly deal with it.
Some simple, yet useful things I'm beginning to learn are:
"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." Martin Luther King Jr.
We must live in the spirit of forgiveness. Not just burying our emotions, but truly forgiving people as the offenses occur. Even in our justifiable anger we must submit to a spirit of forgiveness. There are a lot of things we feel we have the right to be mad about; however, the Bible is clear - “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. BUT if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15 (emphasis added).
Think about it for a moment... You have done WAY more to offend the Father (God), than anyone has done to you. And if anyone is justified in their anger it would be God. But instead of holding on to His anger, He sent Jesus to be the payment for our sins. "For God so loved the world that he gave..." (John 3:16).
And here lies the key, we need to love people. Love those that hurt us, love those that use us, love those that have wronged us. That love lies in the spirit of forgiveness knowing that God forgave us, and if He did not even spare His own Son. How could we possibly hold back anything from Him? And He is the one asking us to "love our enemies."
Here's the flipside:
When you know you've offended someone, make it right - right away. Sometimes we try to cover the fact that we've hurt someone. We snap at them and then moments later make a joke or try to be nice. The problem is we were wrong and what we need to do is say, "I am sorry." Hardest three words in the English language. We need to lay down our pride and make it right. Don't justify the wrong you committed in the same way that you would justify your anger.
We need to live in a Spirit of Forgiveness, that means forgiving others and seeking forgiveness from others. Remember you have been forgiven.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
My Reflection
I often forget that I'm thirty years old. Sometimes I feel like I'm still twelve or seventeen or in my early twenties. Because I remember those ages so vividly, I often feel like I'm still there waiting. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting to grow up.
I struggled a lot with insecurities when I was growing up. And because I remember them so well, I often feel like I will never get over them. However, over the past week I've come to realize something. Although, I remember my insecurities, for the most part, they are not a part of who I am. They are a part of my past, but other than being a memory they are not part of my present. I must be careful when looking in the mirror to not see who I was, but who I am, and who I'm becoming.
Sometimes I think I get stuck because I feel like I should feel a certain way - usually negatively - when that's just not the case. My old self is saying I'm insecure and shy, when although, yes I'm reserved and tend to be more introverted I'm not shy. Shyness implies fear. Fear brings bondage. And thankfully, God has delivered me from this type of bondage.
How?
Through my reflection. God has changed my view of myself. God has shown me who I am to Him, in Him, and through Him. I am loved, because He is love. I am beautiful, because He is my Creator and He declares that I am. I am priceless, because He paid the ultimate price for me.
This confidence doesn't come from feminism or society. This is the confidence that comes from God. I've seen my reflection more clearly the last week. I used to have to tell myself the truth about who I was because I didn't see it, or believe. So I would literally speak God's Word to my reflection in the mirror. Somewhere along the way, I've learned to believe and accept those truths. I'm not exactly sure where. But as I was speaking with a teenager this week, I realized that the things I said, were said from a place of truth and acceptance. Not from a place of just believing because that's what I'm supposed to do.
So then if this is who I am; confident, free, loved; then, why do I still feel 12 or 17? I think it's because God has allowed me to see the reflections of those around me. Both of who they feel they are, and who He sees them as. I can so clearly see others two reflections, as I can so clearly see my own. And with this insight comes the responsibility to encourage others to see themselves the way God sees them.
So what does your reflection look like? Are you fearful? Self-conscious? Ugly? Anxious? Lonely?
Then know this, this is not how God sees you. He has a special message for you today, You are loved. Read His Word, Speak His truth over your life. Allow Him to change your reflection to His.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:14
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Yes Lord, Yes
As I reflect over the past year I'm absolutely astounded at the doors that God has opened for me this year. I did many things that I never dreamed I would do.
I went into the year kind of down because I felt stuck. Like I was just existing in life and not really going anywhere. At least not anywhere significant. I thought, "I'm turning 30 and I haven't accomplished any of my goals." Can I say, right there I should've realized the voice I was listening to and it wasn't God's. The truth is I've accomplished a lot of things some were goals and some came out of no where. Do I have one's I haven't done yet? Yes. But that just means it wasn't time.
This was a year of change for me. In March, I lost some friends. In April, I lost my full-time job and all the benefits that go along with it. I could feel the change in my life as a new season, a new beginning. And I was scared. I've always been nervous about things, but my philosophy is do it afraid. I love the adrenaline rush of doing something I'm terrified to do. But this was different. I began having anxiety attacks, I was exhausted, completely drained, and I was afraid.
I knew God was in this. I could feel His presence so strongly, but sometimes our emotions don't line up. That's where faith and trusting in God takes over. It was a daily battle to remember that God was in control. Honestly, most of my fighting came from lying on the couch in my pajama's. But thankfully, God doesn't care where you talk to Him, just that you do. So while my emotions were putting me on the couch, God was building me up on the inside.
I was praying one night asking God to show me what to do. God is sovereign and since He was in control of me losing my job I knew He had a plan. I was just praying He would show me what it was. Shortly, after my simple prayer, I got a message on Facebook asking if I was interested in working at a camp for the summer.
I was excited as I felt God confirming that this is what He wanted, and nervous because my confidence had been shaken after losing my job. I knew immediately that I was supposed to do this, but asked for a few days to pray about it. I wondered if people were prying doors open for me. After checking I found that it was God opening doors. I was excited and scared. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. I thought for sure everything was going to come crashing down. But God took the summer to build me up in new ways. I was able to just minister with no big demands on me. I was able to encourage others and pray with them. I was able to just talk with people. It was great.
Shortly, after camp started I got a message asking me if I wanted to speak to teen girls at a breakout session of a women's conference in September. Again, I could feel God's hand knowing this is what He wanted me to do. They needed to know ASAP. I took the next day to pray and fast. And God showed up. The theme for the weekend was Embraced. I would only be speaking for a one-hour session, but I knew God wanted me to speak on Embracing His dreams for our lives.
God's dreams and our dreams can sometimes be radically different. We often make plans and then ask God to bless them, but how different would our lives be if we took time to seek God first. That's been my goal this year. Seeking God in the midst of loss and joy.
As I prepared to speak I was overwhelmed by my insignificance. I asked God, "Why me?" But not in a bad way, but in a humbled and awed way, that He would choose me. At that moment, I was overwhelmed by God. I fell to my knees as He answered, "You said yes." He began to reveal to me all the yes's that led me to this point in my life. I was humbled.
I want to encourage you to say yes to God. Say yes to the little things, the things that seem insignificant. Say yes to the things God puts in your path that might not be part of your plans. And just see where God will lead your yes!
There's a song that I love:
Yes Lord, yes
To your will and to your ways
Yes Lord, yes
I will trust You and obey
When Your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And say yes Lord, yes
I went into the year kind of down because I felt stuck. Like I was just existing in life and not really going anywhere. At least not anywhere significant. I thought, "I'm turning 30 and I haven't accomplished any of my goals." Can I say, right there I should've realized the voice I was listening to and it wasn't God's. The truth is I've accomplished a lot of things some were goals and some came out of no where. Do I have one's I haven't done yet? Yes. But that just means it wasn't time.
This was a year of change for me. In March, I lost some friends. In April, I lost my full-time job and all the benefits that go along with it. I could feel the change in my life as a new season, a new beginning. And I was scared. I've always been nervous about things, but my philosophy is do it afraid. I love the adrenaline rush of doing something I'm terrified to do. But this was different. I began having anxiety attacks, I was exhausted, completely drained, and I was afraid.
I knew God was in this. I could feel His presence so strongly, but sometimes our emotions don't line up. That's where faith and trusting in God takes over. It was a daily battle to remember that God was in control. Honestly, most of my fighting came from lying on the couch in my pajama's. But thankfully, God doesn't care where you talk to Him, just that you do. So while my emotions were putting me on the couch, God was building me up on the inside.
I was praying one night asking God to show me what to do. God is sovereign and since He was in control of me losing my job I knew He had a plan. I was just praying He would show me what it was. Shortly, after my simple prayer, I got a message on Facebook asking if I was interested in working at a camp for the summer.
I was excited as I felt God confirming that this is what He wanted, and nervous because my confidence had been shaken after losing my job. I knew immediately that I was supposed to do this, but asked for a few days to pray about it. I wondered if people were prying doors open for me. After checking I found that it was God opening doors. I was excited and scared. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it. I thought for sure everything was going to come crashing down. But God took the summer to build me up in new ways. I was able to just minister with no big demands on me. I was able to encourage others and pray with them. I was able to just talk with people. It was great.
Shortly, after camp started I got a message asking me if I wanted to speak to teen girls at a breakout session of a women's conference in September. Again, I could feel God's hand knowing this is what He wanted me to do. They needed to know ASAP. I took the next day to pray and fast. And God showed up. The theme for the weekend was Embraced. I would only be speaking for a one-hour session, but I knew God wanted me to speak on Embracing His dreams for our lives.
God's dreams and our dreams can sometimes be radically different. We often make plans and then ask God to bless them, but how different would our lives be if we took time to seek God first. That's been my goal this year. Seeking God in the midst of loss and joy.
As I prepared to speak I was overwhelmed by my insignificance. I asked God, "Why me?" But not in a bad way, but in a humbled and awed way, that He would choose me. At that moment, I was overwhelmed by God. I fell to my knees as He answered, "You said yes." He began to reveal to me all the yes's that led me to this point in my life. I was humbled.
I want to encourage you to say yes to God. Say yes to the little things, the things that seem insignificant. Say yes to the things God puts in your path that might not be part of your plans. And just see where God will lead your yes!
There's a song that I love:
Yes Lord, yes
To your will and to your ways
Yes Lord, yes
I will trust You and obey
When Your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And say yes Lord, yes
Friday, August 1, 2014
The Almosts
My life up to this point is mostly defined by almosts. I almost have my Associates Degree. I'm almost a Children's pastor. I've almost written a book. I'm almost a certain age... I think you get the point. I've had a lot of starts, but no real finishes.
Does this bring glory to God?
Paul says to the Philippians, "Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (3:12). I've quit or given up on many things, or simply placed them on the back burner because of fear. I've allowed my almosts to hold me back from laying hold of what Christ has for me.
Paul goes on to say, "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward goal of God in Christ Jesus" (3:14). It's time for me to "press toward the goal." It's time to pick up the almosts and reach the end. It's time to finish the races I've already begun.
I want to be able to say as Paul said to Timothy, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." I can't say that I'm able to say this right now. Taking myself out before it's over isn't fighting the good fight. Fighting the good fight requires perseverance. It means leaving my comfort zone. It requires leaving everything out on the mat. Not ducking tail and retreating because I'm afraid I'm going to lose. Finishing the race requires endurance. I must press on until the end. No looking back. No turning around. I cannot say with confidence I have kept the faith. Although, I believe in God, my fear has limited my sight and faith of God. I say I believe God is all-powerful, sovereign, in control; and yet, I've lived as if He can't help me. My fear has spoken louder than my words. It has proven what I really believe by my actions. I've allowed fear and uncertainty to be the victors, when God has clearly said, I am more than a conqueror.
It's time to press on.
Does this bring glory to God?
Paul says to the Philippians, "Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (3:12). I've quit or given up on many things, or simply placed them on the back burner because of fear. I've allowed my almosts to hold me back from laying hold of what Christ has for me.
Paul goes on to say, "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward goal of God in Christ Jesus" (3:14). It's time for me to "press toward the goal." It's time to pick up the almosts and reach the end. It's time to finish the races I've already begun.
I want to be able to say as Paul said to Timothy, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." I can't say that I'm able to say this right now. Taking myself out before it's over isn't fighting the good fight. Fighting the good fight requires perseverance. It means leaving my comfort zone. It requires leaving everything out on the mat. Not ducking tail and retreating because I'm afraid I'm going to lose. Finishing the race requires endurance. I must press on until the end. No looking back. No turning around. I cannot say with confidence I have kept the faith. Although, I believe in God, my fear has limited my sight and faith of God. I say I believe God is all-powerful, sovereign, in control; and yet, I've lived as if He can't help me. My fear has spoken louder than my words. It has proven what I really believe by my actions. I've allowed fear and uncertainty to be the victors, when God has clearly said, I am more than a conqueror.
It's time to press on.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Love Keeps No Record
For a long time I've struggled with loving people the way I'm supposed to love them: especially my family. I've read, memorized, and quoted 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter. You'll see it on wedding cards and favors. It's always been a little reminder:
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Blah, blah, blah. And then a few months back I heard someone speaking, or maybe it was in a book I was reading, but they said, read that chapter and everywhere you see the word love (or charity if you're reading the KJV) put your name. Wow talk about an eye opener.
Jennifer is patient
Jennifer is kind
Well I reviewed the one's I remembered, and thought would people really say these things about me? Could my family say these things about me? See if I asked myself if I was these things it would be easy to deceive myself into thinking I was something or someone I'm not. But if I looked from an outward perspective could I live up to God's standard of love. I'm sorry to say that I was severely flawed. And so to add insult to injury, I decided that I would read the entire chapter and ask myself honestly if I fulfilled the actions of love. As I began to read the chapter one line struck to the very core of me. "Love keeps no record of wrong" (vs 5). I was stumped, flabbergasted. This so clearly showed me what I desperately needed to change. And so I put my name in that line: Jennifer keeps no record of wrong. There was no way that line was true. It was a blatant lie.
I'm blessed with an amazing memory. I can quote conversations verbatim and even tell you what the people were wearing, how they were sitting or standing, etc. And so I knew I was keeping a record of wrongs: especially against my sister and my mother. And so anytime they upset me I'd put another tally in the column of my mind of why I was justified in my anger toward them.
And so the journey began.
Over the last couple of months, whenever I was upset with someone, and I'd say to myself something like "they always do this" or it would bring up something from the past, I would remind myself that love keeps no record of wrong; and consequently, Jennifer was to keep no record of wrong. This new attitude helped bring healing and forgiveness in my life. Because if I no longer kept the tally I was able to much quicker forgive both past and present hurts.
Then a new thought hit me. Someone said to me simply, "Thank you! I really owe you one." I tried to brush it off and they said, "No I do. I owe you." It disquieted me. Why? Because I felt like if I was doing everything I did to be paid back I was doing it out of an impure motive. And so this thought hit me: Love keeps no record of rights.
If I were to keep a record of all the things I've done to help people, because I truly love helping people and giving of myself, then I would have a long list of things. And what would that do? Well it would puff me up with pride. I'd be able to boast of all the things I do to help people, and isn't Jennifer wonderful. But who'd be getting the glory? Me! So now the things that I'd done to honor God, or just to be kind, have now become a score board. That score board then would lead to unforgiveness in a new way: "Well I've done this and this and this for them and they've only done this for me..." It would make me desire things and become angry at God, thinking that God somehow owed me more than He's given already because of all the "things" I've done for Him.
And so this thought has plagued me... Love keeps no record of rights.
Our job is not to keep score and make sure the tally balances out on both sides. Our job is to love 100% even if the people around us are only capable of loving 50% in our eyes. See our scale isn't to be each other. Our scale is Jesus Christ. He loved with everything. And since He loved with everything, how dare we cheapen His sacrifice, by doing any less!
Love keeps no record.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Blah, blah, blah. And then a few months back I heard someone speaking, or maybe it was in a book I was reading, but they said, read that chapter and everywhere you see the word love (or charity if you're reading the KJV) put your name. Wow talk about an eye opener.
Jennifer is patient
Jennifer is kind
Well I reviewed the one's I remembered, and thought would people really say these things about me? Could my family say these things about me? See if I asked myself if I was these things it would be easy to deceive myself into thinking I was something or someone I'm not. But if I looked from an outward perspective could I live up to God's standard of love. I'm sorry to say that I was severely flawed. And so to add insult to injury, I decided that I would read the entire chapter and ask myself honestly if I fulfilled the actions of love. As I began to read the chapter one line struck to the very core of me. "Love keeps no record of wrong" (vs 5). I was stumped, flabbergasted. This so clearly showed me what I desperately needed to change. And so I put my name in that line: Jennifer keeps no record of wrong. There was no way that line was true. It was a blatant lie.
I'm blessed with an amazing memory. I can quote conversations verbatim and even tell you what the people were wearing, how they were sitting or standing, etc. And so I knew I was keeping a record of wrongs: especially against my sister and my mother. And so anytime they upset me I'd put another tally in the column of my mind of why I was justified in my anger toward them.
And so the journey began.
Over the last couple of months, whenever I was upset with someone, and I'd say to myself something like "they always do this" or it would bring up something from the past, I would remind myself that love keeps no record of wrong; and consequently, Jennifer was to keep no record of wrong. This new attitude helped bring healing and forgiveness in my life. Because if I no longer kept the tally I was able to much quicker forgive both past and present hurts.
Then a new thought hit me. Someone said to me simply, "Thank you! I really owe you one." I tried to brush it off and they said, "No I do. I owe you." It disquieted me. Why? Because I felt like if I was doing everything I did to be paid back I was doing it out of an impure motive. And so this thought hit me: Love keeps no record of rights.
If I were to keep a record of all the things I've done to help people, because I truly love helping people and giving of myself, then I would have a long list of things. And what would that do? Well it would puff me up with pride. I'd be able to boast of all the things I do to help people, and isn't Jennifer wonderful. But who'd be getting the glory? Me! So now the things that I'd done to honor God, or just to be kind, have now become a score board. That score board then would lead to unforgiveness in a new way: "Well I've done this and this and this for them and they've only done this for me..." It would make me desire things and become angry at God, thinking that God somehow owed me more than He's given already because of all the "things" I've done for Him.
And so this thought has plagued me... Love keeps no record of rights.
Our job is not to keep score and make sure the tally balances out on both sides. Our job is to love 100% even if the people around us are only capable of loving 50% in our eyes. See our scale isn't to be each other. Our scale is Jesus Christ. He loved with everything. And since He loved with everything, how dare we cheapen His sacrifice, by doing any less!
Love keeps no record.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Love Them Like Jesus
I've had some awesome opportunities the last few days to share my faith. I work in a community residence for mental illness. I work with the same set of people day in and day out 4 days a week, ten hours a day. Our residents are teenagers, and let me tell you, everyday has been the best and worst in my life.
I love my job. I love working with people, and seeing there growth. I love pouring into people and helping them to achieve their goals. I try my hardest to live my faith out in my job. Some days are easier than others. Everyone I work with knows that I'm working to become a children's pastor, that I attend and work in my church regularly.
For the most part I don't bring up matters of faith. When I'm asked my opinion or a question about my beliefs, I am very straight forward and don't hold back. I'm not wishy washy in my answer, I try my best to deliver the truth in love. Yesterday, a resident came to me and told me that his family had reverted back to Christianity and he was very concerned about something he had read. He read in Psalms how God detests gossipers. So he came and confessed that some other girls were gossiping. I took the opportunity to explain to him that he also had engaged in that behavior the week before and that as he read his Bible he needed to let it change him and not use it as a weapon against others. Moments later, he did that very thing. He began bashing other residents over the head with what he had read, and continued in his bad behavior. I was able to talk with him, and honestly I'm not sure what had sunk in, but this is what I'm excited about.
Today at work one of my coworkers and I were talking about this scene from yesterday. I told him what I had told the resident and he said, "I'm so glad you had that conversation with him. Because he'll be able to take it from you because we all know you're background, and you never beat any of us over the head with your Bible." He went on to explain some of the bad experiences he's had with church and church people. We talked for a few minutes and I explained that I was sorry he had gone through some of those things and also explained that unfortunately we often put man-made rules and traditions in places of authority that don't belong there. He then said, "It's like when someone told me I'm going to hell because of this or that. I don't need you to tell me that, I already know it." I stopped him and said, "Well if you ever want to talk about how you can change that let me know." He laughed and the conversation ended after that.
But that conversation helped me to see something important. One that even though I feel like I am an absolute mess, God is still in control. He is still using me in all of my imperfections to shine His light in my job. Why? Because I'm not bashing residents and coworkers over the head with the Bible. The Bible is the Sword of the Spirit. Which means it's a weapon of spiritual warfare not physical. Our Bible is to be a light to the lost, not a stick to beat them with. Like my coworker so aptly said, he knows he's going to hell. He doesn't need my judgments, he needs Christ's love. And the only way he's going to get that is through Christians willing to love like Jesus. Jesus never went around proclaiming people sinners or imposing man-made rules. Jesus fed the hungry, healed the sick, comforted, taught, loved.
Do I love like Jesus? Not even close, but do I try. Yes. Do I fail? Sometimes more than I think I succeed. But we always have the opportunity to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. So if you don't think you're witnessing enough. Ask yourself how do I love? Do I love like Jesus?
I love my job. I love working with people, and seeing there growth. I love pouring into people and helping them to achieve their goals. I try my hardest to live my faith out in my job. Some days are easier than others. Everyone I work with knows that I'm working to become a children's pastor, that I attend and work in my church regularly.
For the most part I don't bring up matters of faith. When I'm asked my opinion or a question about my beliefs, I am very straight forward and don't hold back. I'm not wishy washy in my answer, I try my best to deliver the truth in love. Yesterday, a resident came to me and told me that his family had reverted back to Christianity and he was very concerned about something he had read. He read in Psalms how God detests gossipers. So he came and confessed that some other girls were gossiping. I took the opportunity to explain to him that he also had engaged in that behavior the week before and that as he read his Bible he needed to let it change him and not use it as a weapon against others. Moments later, he did that very thing. He began bashing other residents over the head with what he had read, and continued in his bad behavior. I was able to talk with him, and honestly I'm not sure what had sunk in, but this is what I'm excited about.
Today at work one of my coworkers and I were talking about this scene from yesterday. I told him what I had told the resident and he said, "I'm so glad you had that conversation with him. Because he'll be able to take it from you because we all know you're background, and you never beat any of us over the head with your Bible." He went on to explain some of the bad experiences he's had with church and church people. We talked for a few minutes and I explained that I was sorry he had gone through some of those things and also explained that unfortunately we often put man-made rules and traditions in places of authority that don't belong there. He then said, "It's like when someone told me I'm going to hell because of this or that. I don't need you to tell me that, I already know it." I stopped him and said, "Well if you ever want to talk about how you can change that let me know." He laughed and the conversation ended after that.
But that conversation helped me to see something important. One that even though I feel like I am an absolute mess, God is still in control. He is still using me in all of my imperfections to shine His light in my job. Why? Because I'm not bashing residents and coworkers over the head with the Bible. The Bible is the Sword of the Spirit. Which means it's a weapon of spiritual warfare not physical. Our Bible is to be a light to the lost, not a stick to beat them with. Like my coworker so aptly said, he knows he's going to hell. He doesn't need my judgments, he needs Christ's love. And the only way he's going to get that is through Christians willing to love like Jesus. Jesus never went around proclaiming people sinners or imposing man-made rules. Jesus fed the hungry, healed the sick, comforted, taught, loved.
Do I love like Jesus? Not even close, but do I try. Yes. Do I fail? Sometimes more than I think I succeed. But we always have the opportunity to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. So if you don't think you're witnessing enough. Ask yourself how do I love? Do I love like Jesus?
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