Healing

“Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come”
 

This song has been going through my head, whenever I hear it on the radio I think, “Wow can I really say this.” I would like to think I could. I imagine myself in a situation; and then, I imagine myself singing this in victory, arms raised in surrender. Knowing, “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Phil 1:21).

But lately when I hear this song I think of something else altogether. Right now I’m walking through a season of Healing in my life. It began a couple months ago by sharing a part of my testimony. The person I was sharing with looked at me and said, “Jenn you’re praying wrong. What you need is healing?” Immediately, my eyes began to water because the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. They asked to pray for me.

I wish I knew before they prayed that healing hurt so much! It’s been a painful process with no end in sight. I know when God’s finished with the surgery I’ll be a better vessel for God’s glory, but here’s where the song comes in … What if the healing doesn’t come? What if after going through this process, the healing doesn’t come?

Now do I know that no matter what there are lessons to be learned in the process? Of course. And do I realize, that no matter what, by submitting to God’s hand He’s going to make me into a vessel used for His honor? Yes.

But what if the healing doesn’t look like what I think it should look like? What if there are still wounds that hurt? Places that will always be tender to the touch? Muscles that don’t fully work the way there supposed to when the process is over?

I know nearly every surgery leaves a scar. But scars don’t hurt. Scars are the character of our life. They tell our stories; the battles we’ve fought and lived through. Scars are the proof healing took place. So I’m okay with having scars.

But what if the healing doesn’t come? Do I go back to living like those wounds didn’t exist? Building up walls around the areas of my life that need protection? Walls that I’m working so hard to tear down in the healing process.

NO! No, I must not go back. We all have internal hurts that have the potential to tear our lives apart if we allow them too. I had been burying mine for years. Hiding them. It caused me to be 2 different people. The person I am, and someone totally different around the people that hurt me. So even if the all the hurts don’t go away, I cannot continue to be 2 people. I must walk forward believing, “That He who began a good work in me will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

So no, the healing may not look like what I thought it would. It may not be done all at once. I’m learning it’s a process. But no matter what, I refuse to go back. I refuse to allow the first stages of healing to be undone.

So…

"You are God and I will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and I will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come

Even if the healing doesn’t come"