My Not So Thankful Thursday

Do you ever just feel down in the dumps? Really? Because I never do... I am always happy and bubbly and ready to go the extra mile or two or three! I can't believe you aren't this way too... :)

Today is My Not So Thankful Thursday, not because I'm not thankful, but because I didn't start my day this way. I started it frustrated, upset, cranky, and ready to throw in the towel. Shocking I know. But you see I'm on this journey to be real. I am a real person with real struggles.

I was raised for the most part in the church. I learned early that pride was wrong. I thought pride was being puffed up and full of yourself. What I didn't realize was that pride was also evidenced in the fear of man! There were many times I would hide my shortcomings or not go up for an altar call because I was afraid that people would roll their eyes and say, "Jennifer is going up again!" Of course this was all in my mind. I learned it was important to always portray a strong front. I knew when putting on my Sunday best, I also had to put on my "church face." I did this for so long that I didn't know how to be weak. Verses like "in my weakness He is made strong" baffled me because if I was always supposed to be strong how could He be strong through me?

Something terrible began to happen, I began to become 2 people. It got to the point that I didn't know who I was anymore. I wasn't blatantly sinning or anything like that, but I had this double image. The strong independent Christian, who knew all the right words and phrases, who did all the right stuff; and then, this broken weak Christian who would pray "Lord just take me home." A friend of mine gave me a tape (yep a cassette) of this song "The Warrior is a Child." I was a senior in High School at the time and struggling with depression something awful. I heard this song and sobbed, because that was me! And I cried and prayed and became upset because no one knew the real me. The me that was hurting and desiring God with everything, but not understanding the feeling of brokenness because I had to be STRONG! I had to do and say all the right things, because no one could know that I failed and wanted to just die.

I think sometimes we give off the wrong impressions as Christians. We give off the persona of having it all together. I tell people I fail and they look at me in disbelief and say, "Well you're not as bad as me." Let me tell you, all sin separates us from God. God needs to work on each of us and the extent that we allow Him to work on us, is the extent to which He'll be able to take us on this journey. So I have to say it's been something of a challenge lately. I want to be real. I want to be able to connect with people. But even more than that, I know the only way I'm going to be able to have more of God is to be real with Him and myself.

Like I said before there were many times where I wouldn't go up for an altar call because I was worried about what others would think. In that fear I would harden my heart towards the pull of God. And then I would get home and pray and try to connect with God the way He was calling to me at the service, but it wasn't the same. Why? Because He wanted the humble me, not the prideful me.

At the beginning of November I went to a Women's Conference. God has been working something fierce on me since August, and I needed a break. You would think the last place I would want to be is at a Christian Women's Conference, but see I was the photographer. And as the photographer I had the responsibility to take pictures during worship, altar calls, and workshops. So it was the perfect place to "hide" from the hand of God, that's been performing surgery in my life. Or so I thought! Well the second night during worship I was so frustrated and angry at the piece of iron God put in my life that weekend. And I was upset because the piece of iron was reminding me of others who had hurt me and it was all bubbling to the top.

(You see, I had told you God's been doing surgery on me since August. He's walking me through this healing process and I have to tell you if I had known it was going to hurt so much I don't think I would've let someone pray for healing for me. I'll let you know when the process is over if it was worth it.)

Anyway, I was in worship and fell to my knees literally and began sobbing. I don't remeber what song the worship leader was singing, I just know it brought me to my knees. After the song was over she began praying for healing (Oh boy was I in trouble!) She began to sing again, and a friend and mentor of mine spoke a word over me, and I continued to pray. Shortly afterward I felt a release and stood up. And then we began to sing "Oh how He loves us." And I began singing along. Then the worship leader sang, "Oh how He loves me." And the words would not come out. The tears began to stream down my face as those words were sung. And I cried, "Why can't I sing that." The words were literally stuck in my throat. In my spirit I felt like God was saying to me, "You can sing 'Oh how He loves us' because you don't include yourself in that. You believe that I love them, but you don't believe that I love you." Wow, what a revelation for the church girl that's working to become a Children's Pastor, that stands up every Wednesday night and proclaims how much God loves them to the children. And in that moment I realized He was right. Because of the hurt and scars, because of the pain I've been holding on to I have a hard time believing that He loves me.

And so I think, what would've happened if I had hardened my heart that night because "I'm a leader," and I'm going to be a "Children's Pastor," and I need to be strong and I can't be emotional. I would have missed the opportunity for God to begin to further a work in me. I would have missed the incredible insight that I had gotten that night. And I would have stunted the work that God is doing in me.

I am a real person, with real problems, in need of a real God. I've lived long enough pretending fooling even myself at times, but I won't continue to be that person. And so if you think I'm an emotional basket case, I'm sorry. But I need to be real with me and real with God. And so should I be in service and need to weep at the altar, that's what I'll do. (As much as I HATE crying in public!) But this walk is between me and God. And the only way to keep from hearing "I never knew you" at the end of my life, is to be real with God now. Let Him know the real me and allow Him to work in the real me.

So My Not So Thankful Thursday has turned into a Thankful Thursday as I came to realize that people can give me good advice, but ultimately the Bible says "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." And so I'm thankful that I have a real God, that answers real prayers, and works in real ways. I'm thankful that my emotions don't scare the Great Big God that gave them to me. And even in the pain of this healing process, I'm so thankful for a God that loves me enough to heal me, that loves me enough to speak to me, that loves me enough to want more for my life than to be a "status-quo" Christian. And yes I still struggle with believing God loves me, but that doesn't change the fact that His love never fails and never gives up on me!

I hope you enjoy this song. And feel free to share with me either on facebook, or through email at JLoveless84@yahoo.com