One Month to Live

I hate to say this and have been looking for the right words for a few days...

I have one month to live.

I bet you don't understand. I didn't either. What am I supposed to do? Not sure yet. But here's the thing: I'm going to be fine. I'm not sick or dying. I was given a book entitled One Month to Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. It challenges you to live life like you only have a month left. So I thought I'd make it fun. I'm terrible at keeping commitments that I only make to myself. And so this is what I'm going to do: Each day I will read the book and then post about how it's effecting me and what I'm doing for the day to live like I only had one month to live. I will try to post each morning since that's when I have the most time and start by telling you about how I lived the day before. I hope you will be inspired by my journey.

June 1st ~
I've read the first chapter and realize that I'm a huge time waster. I've charted my time; and although, yes I'm an extremely busy person, I have huge amounts of time each week doing nothing of significance (NoS). This is my term and not the books. I'm going to work on reducing my NoS time by half.

What qualifies as NoS time? Watching TV, playing on the computer, running around aimlessly.

What am I going to do instead? Spend more time with family and friends, more time reading my Bible and praying, and start walking 2 miles on my days off that's 4-6miles a week.

My end goal: Is to stop living in fear: afraid to take a step, afraid to make a mistake, afraid of what people might think. And start living in freedom. The Bible says, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." I want to live a life of significance. I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done." And not "I never knew you."

Here are a few quotes that really spoke to me in this first chapter:
"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." - Alan Sachs

"Even as we engage ourselves in the present, we must think through the eternal impact of how we live."

"The only way we can live for eternity is to embrace each day as a gift from God. We must live in the tipping point between the everyday and the eternal."

My next journey begins...

Fiction Friday ~ Chapter 3

Have you missed me? Well I'm not going to make any excuses for why this has taken me so long, but I will try harder to post weekly.  So in case you've forgotten what's going on here's the last part of Chapter 2:

     Seara reached up and fingered the scar on the right side of her temple where her head had slammed off the top of the seat belt and cut her head open. Everything had changed for them after that, they were able to become friends again. In some ways they had grown closer than ever; and then, Seara’s mother had died and he had left her too.

     They were at her front porch, Seara turned to thank him for walking her home. But the look of compassion on Brian’s face stopped her.

     “I’m here for the week. If you need help with anything call me.” Brian reached out and moved the hair from the right side of her face tracing the small scar with his finger.

Chapter 3

The next few days were a blur of activity for Seara. Richard was released from the hospital Monday afternoon with follow-up appointments scheduled for the following weeks. Seara had gone grocery shopping and filled the house with fresh fruits and veggies. Gram had helped Seara clean and dust, not that there was much to do; Gram had kept the house immaculate. But Seara wanted everything to be just right for when Alyssa, her husband Craig, and Michael came home.

Seara absently fingered the small scar at her temple as she looked over the grocery list for the next day's dinner. She had everyone’s favorites: dad’s glazed carrots, Alyssa’s corn bread stuffing, Craig’s pumpkin spice brownies, Mikey’s chocolate peanut butter pie, and Gram’s cabbage salad. Seara had decided to try frying the turkey this year. Dad had talked about wanting to do it for years, so this would be the year.  She took a deep breath. They would get through this.

Michael and Alyssa would be there soon and she planned to spend as much time with them as possible. Seara was nervous and excited all at the same time. She knew her siblings didn’t understand right now why she had decided to move home, but they would by the time the weekend was over. She just hoped they weren’t mad at her for not telling them. Realizing what she was doing, Seara slammed her hand on the table. She hadn't bothered with that scar in a long time. Why now was it bothering her so much? She knew why, but decided there was no reason to go there.

Sucking down the last of her coffee, she rose from the table and headed to the grocery store. The trip to the grocery store took twice as long as it normally did. It seemed every aisle that she turned down held at least one person who "hadn't seen her in forever" and "was sorry to hear about her dad." Seara had no idea how to answer either statement and ended up doing a lot of nodding.

Seara was shocked to see the old truck in the driveway. Her heart alternately stopped and fluttered at the sight. What was Brian doing here? Michael came out to greet her.

"Michael!" Seara squealed, "How did you get here? I thought I had to meet you at the airport at six?"

Michael laughed at Seara's rapid fire questions; it was so the big sister he loved. Michael squeezed his sister until she was laughing too. When they were able to catch their breath Michael explained how he was able to get an earlier flight and then took the bus to the bus station. About a half mile from the bus station Brian had picked him up.

Seara having forgotten about Brian saw him standing on her front porch looking down at her. Seara smiled her thanks.

"Well Pup, I'm glad you're home." Seara told her brother.

"Really why is that?" He asked ignoring the use of his childhood nickname. 

"So you can help me bring in the groceries of course."

Brian came off the porch and walked to the car. Seara didn't even bother to argue as the two men hefted all of the groceries into the house. Seara worked to put the groceries away and then offered them both lunch, while Michael and Brian sat at the table catching up.

Seara walked over carrying drinks just as Michael asked, "Your family is coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?"

The drinks sloshed on to the table as they slipped through Seara's fingers. Thankfully, they had only been millimeters from the table; and so, no harm was done. Michael looked up at her confusedly. Seara had completely forgotten that Talli and Tria's families usually joined them for at least part of Thanksgiving if not the whole day. Seara was just about to explain that she didn't think they'd been invited when Bryan spoke up.

"I know mom's planning on it. Gram," Bryan said referring to Seara and Michael's grandmother, "told mom that your dad was expecting us around 2 o'clock as usual."

Seara could not believe what she was hearing. Michael and Alyssa still didn't know the full details of dad's condition; and now they were having people over. And why hadn't Gram mentioned that last night when they went over the final meal preparations. Seara headed out the back door forgetting that she hadn't brought the men their sandwiches.

Michael smiled at the man who was like a brother to him. "See she as warm to you as ever."

Brian sighed, "She still blames me. She thinks I abandoned her, but she won't talk about it. She's the same old Sea. Keeps busy, keeps moving, that way she doesn't have to think or feel anything. I thought maybe -"

*          *          *

Seara once again found herself at the tree house. This time she climbed the ladder and heard the creek of the wood as entered the old structure. Seara looked around. The place looked surprisingly good. Opening a small chest, she found an old journal inside. Smiling, she opened the cover. Hidden Treasure was written on the first page. Seara began to read the story she’d written so long ago.

Hi, my name is Annabeth. I live in a castle. I bet that sounds exciting. And a lot of the time it is. There’s always people around, and parties, and wonderful music and food. The ladies are always dressed so lovely and the men are dashing. I often dream of the day I’m old enough to attend. Oh but I’m not the Princess. In fact, this castle doesn’t even belong to a princess. Lord and Lady Dennison are loyal to the king. There’s been unrest in the kingdom for much too long. But thankfully, we live on the outermost borders and have seen almost no trouble here.

I live here with my parents. I came to them late in life. My Father is the head butler and my mother is a cook. They say, I am their special treasure. Now that I’m older I don’t seem so special. I’m just Annabeth. I help mother in the kitchen and take care of the chickens and other small livestock. Milking the goat is my favorite job, it’s so relaxing. Lady Dennison desires that all the children of the servants be educated. I’ve heard that it is a novel concept, I guess most nobles would prefer us to remain uneducated, but Lady Dennison, doesn’t care. Any family who wishes to send their children to the castle three times a week for tutoring is welcome. And as much as I love learning, I would much rather be running around in the woods with my best friend Xander, but mother and father insist. I had heard once from a wandering minister that obedience was better than sacrifice; and so, as much as I’d rather be out exploring, I take my lessons seriously. Many of the families do not see the point in educating their children, so I am grateful that mother and father allow me to, even if it does interfere with what I would rather be doing.

Our tutor, we know him only as Professor, seems to find the hardest work for me to do. And when that isn’t enough I have to help correct the younger children’s work. Mother says he’s pushing me because I’m bright. But sometimes I’d like to just finish my work and leave. I’ve tried not working so fast, but Professor knows when I’m stalling and only keeps me longer. So I work diligently as fast as I can, until he finally dismisses me.

Once I’ve finished I head out to find my best friend. Xander is always waiting for me in our woods. It’s the one place I can just be me. I wander in and out of the stream, my shoes had long ago been discarded. The crystal waters entice me to continue up the path. Soon I come to my most favorite spot in the whole world. I don’t think I will ever tire of this wonderful place. The pool is deep and clear, small fish dance below the surface. The waterfall cascaded white water across the backside of the pool. Sitting on my rock I dip my toes back in the water.

Where is Xander? He’s almost always here before me.

Seara’s reading was interrupted by the creaking of the ladder. Please, she prayed to herself, anyone but Brian. Blond hair peeked around the corner and Seara squealed with delight. Tria.

Tria looked around cautiously, “Are you sure it’s still safe up here?”

Seara laughed, “Come on, I’ll come down.” Next to Alyssa, Tria was the least adventurous. “How did you know I was here?”

Tria explained how she had stopped over after work to assist Seara with the dinner plans for tomorrow. Michael had told Tria where she had gone. Tria wisely avoided mentioning seeing Brian. Seara and Tria walked through the woods arm in arm. Tria was Seara’s pillar of strength, although she wasn’t sure she had ever shared that with her. Seara and Tria understood the depths of each other’s pain without ever really speaking about it. They knew how to comfort each other with just the right word.

By the time they had gotten back to the house Tria headed for her car. She would help her friend the best she knew how: a sleepover. Seara had perked up at just the mention of it. They would shuck corn, put casseroles together, watch chick-flicks, and eat chocolate. It would be perfect!

Single and the problem is???

I have some random thoughts to throw out there, you can take them or leave them. But either way I need to share them before I burst. I warn you now they may be contradictory and I'm okay with that. You will probably have strong opinions on what I have to say, and that's okay with me. So without further ado the rantings and ravings of a single woman...

First off it really bugs me that people feel that marriage is the end all. As if I'm not complete without a man to "complete me." I'm sorry but I've not met my Tom Cruise and HELLO did you see the whole first and middle part of the movie... He spent the whole time trying to get away from her, only wanting a relationship because of her son, but at the very end he says, "You complete me." And we're all melting in our seats because it's so romantic. Really?? He was a jerk! Honestly. Okay so back to my point I don't need a man to complete me! I am not an incomplete person because there's not a man in my life. My life is not on pause while I wait for Mr. Right to show up. In fact I think if I were to be waiting on Mr. Right, then I would miss him because I wouldn't be doing the things that I should've been doing.

Also, just because I say I don't "need" a man doesn't mean I don't want one. There are many things in our lives that we don't need, but we want. When I say I don't need a man, I mean that I'm not going to sit around crying because he hasn't shown up yet. There are things I need and want to do, and although I'm open to the idea of a relationship I'm also not going to hold my breath for one. Why? Because I want to live. :) Can't hold your breath forever without passing out. What do I mean by this? I'm going to do the things I know I need to be doing, and when opportunities arise the things I want to be doing, whether or not there is a man in my life.

I was at a bridal shower last week and I won a prize. It was decorative kitchen towels and an oven mitt. An older woman says, "Oh you can put them in your hope chest." What I was thinking and what I said were two different things. Honestly I thought I said the better of the two options, but I'll let you decide. What I was thinking was, "Pfft, I'm not sticking them in my hope chest, I'm gonna use them now, cuz I want something different when it's my turn, cuz these aren't really my style." What I said was, "Huh, there's no hope." Well in a matter of milliseconds I had my head bitten off. As if all my hope of everything good and wonderful in life only comes from being married. Well if that's the case you'd better tell all of those single women God is using in the mission fields, in orphanages, as teachers, and nurses that although what they're doing is okay, God can't make it great until they get married! My hope is not in finding a husband. God says that he is the one that gives me a hope and a future. Honestly, my happiness does not depend whether or not he brings me someone. I'm not hoping in "finding" someone. My hope is that God's will is done in my life whether single or married.

Please know I am NOT bashing married woman AT ALL. I desire a godly husband, that will be the priest of our home. I desire to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I would love to be in a relationship. I dream about my wedding day and celebrating my fiftieth anniversary with someone. But at the same point if that's not what God has for me I'm okay with that.

And so do some of my comments come out of insecurity yes. Is it because sometimes I truly feel that maybe I will be single forever? Yes. And I need to be able to come to the place where I'm fine with that. So if my comments upset you, I apologize. But truly I'm working on being content and people pestering me about finding someone is not helping! So if you think you're encouraging me by saying, "Oh someday you'll find someone." You're not. Because all you're doing is robbing me of the contentment I'm trying to find in it just being me and God. God truly needs to be enough for me, because no matter what a husband's job isn't to complete me. That's God's job. God's job is to be my all. God's job is to fill me, comfort me, sustain me. And so forgive me if you don't approve of the way I handle my singleness, but hey, I'm a work in progress.

I Love You More Than Bee Stings

Kid's say the darnedest things. Between church, neices and nephews, helping with preschool, and just generally being around children, I've come to adore the wonderful things children say.

The other day I had a 6 year old friend with me to run some errands. He had asked if he could go with me and I'm a sucker, I just can't say no. And honestly it's for my own selfish reasons. People don't understand, but kids rejuvenate me. I go see my friend Ashley for two reasons: one she is the most incredible woman of God you will ever meet; and second, she has six kids that literally refuel me. If I am down, tired, depressed, exhausted, or any other negative thing you can think of when I go to her house, I can not leave there the same way. They refuel me. I feel the same way about my nephews and almost all kids in general, until they hit those needy teen years (then I could take 'em or leave 'em, but that's not what I'm talking about).

Anyway I digress. I was out with my 6 year old friend and we were talking about the things he loves. God was at the top of the list and then he went through the things besides God that he loves. Honestly it was too cute. And then he said, "Know what? I love mom more than bee stings." I chuckled nervously because I didn't understand and repeated what he said just in case I had misheard. He said, "Yeah. I love mom more than bee stings. You don't think I like those things at all do you?" That was it I cracked up. After a few moments I explained that loving mom more than bee stings wasn't really saying much. I'm not sure he understood, but he made my heart happy.

So this phrase has been running through my head and I thought, "What do I love more than bee stings?" Honestly, I have never been stung by a bee, but I have had other painful experiences that I might compare it too. So here's something lighthearted and not meant in any way to be offensive.

I love my family more than a migraine,
my car more than a toothache.
I love my job more than a nightmare,
my coworkers more than a stomach bug.
I love my friends more than a flat tire.

Well I couldn't really think of anything else. So what do you love more than bee stings?

Hide-n-Seek

Hide-n-seek was always one of my favorite games. There was one time when I was eleven and at my cousins house for his twelfth birthday that we played hide-n-seek outside in the dark. I crawled up into the bed of my uncle's truck and lay there watching the stars. There were so many of us playing that they went through five seekers before they realized no one knew where Jenn was. It was quite funny actually because I was right under their noses the whole time. I could hear them saying everyone was found and who was the next seeker; and yet, they never realized I was missing. Well my brother Adam knew they hadn't found me because while he was looking for a hiding spot the second time around he saw me. He said, "I thought you were still missing." He was under strict orders not to tell anyone where I was and we were going to see how long it would take everyone else to notice. While I lay in the truck on this absolutely cloudless night I was able to see over a dozen shooting stars. The sight was absolutely breath taking. I laid there absolutely in awe of the Creator hoping no one would find me.

Over the years I have played hide-n-seek many times. And I've come to realize that I play hide-n-seek in my personal life as well. Sometimes I try hiding from myself and sometimes from others. Growing up as technically the "middle" child, you can sometimes feel that you're insignificant. I've often wondered would anyone miss me if I disappeared, would they even know I'm gone. And with those thoughts I withdrew mentally and emotionally from my family and peers, wondering, hoping that someone would reach out and say, "I see you. I know you exist. And I'm glad."

These last few months have been extra hard for me because I haven't liked the person I see. And so I've withdrawn from people. I didn't want people to see the ugliness in me that I was seeing. I've played hide-n-seek from myself as well as others.

My desire is to be real, but when you can't even stand the sight of the real you how do you share that with others. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about the heart. The Bible says that "the heart is  deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9). Never in my life have I seen that more, than I have these past few months. And honestly it sickens me. I was so sickened by it that I was literally sick to my stomach over it. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. It took me days of berating myself and confessing my ugliness to finally hear the voice of my father, "You're forgiven. All I see is white as snow."

Instantly I had peace in knowing I was forgiven. God didn't cast me off or disdain me. He was still the loving Father I'd always known, but there was still a problem. I didn't like the me I was seeing. Honestly if you could've seen it you wouldn't have liked it either. I can't even describe it... It was bad! Too realize your heart is so full of anger, bitterness, and hate. Yes HATE! Disgusted me! I understood I was forgiven, but that didn't change the fact that it was there. And I wanted it out! I prayed, and worried, and was sick. And then repeated that. The only thing I could think of to do was confess. I prayed some more and asked God to please take this ugliness away (before I confessed), but it was there. And I'm going to say this again I was physically sick to my stomach - a combination of nerves over having to go and tell the person I was angry and disgusted with the sin in my life. Sin I didn't really understand was there.

Finally, the meeting was set.

I was a nervous wreck. I wrung my hands, and hung my head. I choked out the words. And waited. I waited to be condemned, yelled at, thrown out. I waited for judgment. When it didn't come I was confused. Did they not realize how ugly I am? Did they not realize the bitterness stored in my heart? Did they not understand that at one point without realizing it I hated them? And so I explained again. Waiting expectantly for the cry of shock and then the judgment. I waited to hear, "I knew it. You're not good enough. I knew you were a failure. I knew you'd never be good enough."

Instead in a gentle voice full of mercy I heard, "How can I condemn you? I know my own heart." What?! Wow! I looked up and thought 'there is no way your heart is evil like mine.' And then I remembered those words from Jeremiah again. Yes their heart was as evil as mine, but like mine it had also been washed in the Blood, that soul cleansing Blood of the Lamb. And I thought wow God. Wow. God found me! I tried to hide my evil heart but God found it, cleansed it, renewed and restored it. The root of ugliness is gone. I'm so thankful that God knows what he's doing and that although I can play hide-n-seek with everyone including myself, I can never hide where God can't see me! And He loves me enough to pull me out of me everytime!

Real or Make Believe

Let me start by saying I love my nephews so much! They are the best kids in the world. And although I may be biased, I've also heard from many others (unrelated) what great kids they are. I say that to say I love talking with them. Nathan at 5 years old is the oldest, and Zachy is 3. Nathan is a chatterbox and will literally talk your ear off. So one of our latest conversation inspired this post today.

We were driving in the car and I asked him about his class on Sunday. Nathan at first couldn't remember, but seeing as I had taught the week before I knew the last few weeks they've been learning about the Miracles of Jesus. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Nate I know you've been learning about all the miracles Jesus did because he has all the ...
Nate and Zachy: Power.
Me: And we know that Jesus can walk on ...
Zachy: Water
Nate: Hey Zach I was going to say that first.
Me: And we know that Jesus took a few loaves of bread and some small fish and fed...
Zach: 5
Nate: A billion people.
Me: Well actually 5,000
Nate: Oh Aunt Jenny I remember now. My lesson was about the mummy.
Me: The Mummy?
Nate: Yeah he was all wrapped up.
Me: Oh Lazarus. He was dead and Jesus said "Lazarus Come out." And then he came back to life.
Nate: Yeah and he was wrapped up like a mummy.
Me: Wow God is so powerful he can even bring people back to life.
Nathan: Aunt Jenny why doesn't Jesus do that in real life?

Wow, that question hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to say well he can, blah, blah, blah. But instead of responding I took a moment to pray. Honestly this is something that has bugged me for years. We hear about God's power through the Bible and even from missionaries in other countries. But where is God's power in America? in New York? in Amsterdam? in my life?

And so here's what I told him. I told him that God is still powerful enough to do those things, and there are stories from missionaries today that have actually seen dead people brought back to life. But we don't see God's miracles a lot in America because people don't believe God can still do those things and so they don't pray. I told him that prayer is where our power comes from and that if his Nan or Pops died and he prayed for them knowing that Jesus had all the power, then they would come back to life.

Here's my question to you: Do you believe that Jesus is still all-powerful? Do you read the miracles of Jesus as a great thing that he did, without ever believing he could do that now?

When I was 17 my Nan died (my mom's mother). Before she died she lived with us. Whenever she wasn't feeling well I would pray for her. Sometimes I would ask her if I could, and sometimes I would just come up behind her, rub her back, and pray for her. One day a friend of hers was visiting. Nan had just learned a new truth in scripture about God's protection and she was sharing with her friend. Then Nan said, "Whenever I'm not feeling well my Jenny will pray for me and I feel all better. I always know when she prays for me even if it's not out loud because I feel better." I wasn't in the room when she said this I was in the kitchen, but I heard this and I was astounded. Wow, God is so good. My Nan had all kinds of breathing problems and was on all kinds of medications, but God was listening to my prayers.

Seventeen was an extremely rough age for me. I was a senior in High School. I was struggling with people telling me that God didn't call women to be pastor's. And on top of that I struggled really bad with depression. There were times I would cry out to God to "just take me." Whenever I was struggling really bad I would call my youth pastor and he would pray with me. On Mother's Day I had just gotten off the phone with him, and my Nan called me into her room. She said, "Jenny will you stay up with me tonight." I was selfish. I had been helping take care of my grandmother for over a year. I was tired.  I had stayed up all night the night before because I couldn't sleep. I had school the next day. I had tons of excuses. And so I said, "Nan I just can't." And in that moment I knew I needed to pray for her, and in my selfishness I refused. I told myself I can't even pray for myself how am I going to pray for someone else. Nan was taken to the hospital, I was there first thing in the morning and would've been there the rest of the day if a very dear friend of mine hadn't made me leave. I went and told Nan I loved her and would be back later, and she said to me, "No you don't love me, leave me alone." I kissed her anyway and left tears clogging my throat. Again, I felt the need to pray and again I walked away. After I went out with my friend, I had to babysit. I returned to the hospital after 9pm my mom was there. I pulled up a chair next to my Nanny and held her hand. Around 11pm my uncle came and I went home with my mom. Early in the morning there was a phone call and I knew it was about Nan. My mom called the house about 6am and my dad and I went to the hospital. She never woke up. I never got to tell her how much I loved her and most importantly I never took the time to pray for her one last time.

Here's the part I've never told anyone: Before she was taken to the morgue we saw her in her room. A Pastor came and here we were in the room: My mom, dad, uncle, myself, and Nan. She lay on the bed like she was sleeping. She wasn't full of preservatives yet, she was still just Nan. I stood there pleading in my head for the pastor to go over and pray for her. Pray that God would let her come back. Pray that God would do a miracle and she would wake up. I know the Bible stories. I know about all the people that God brought back to life in the Bible; and so, I stood there yelling in my head, "If you believe why don't you do something?" I was angry that he wouldn't pray for her, but I was really angry because I didn't pray for her.

God has all the power. He's omnipotent. He merely asks us to display the faith and ask. And so what if I had gotten over me and prayed? Yes we need to pray God's will, but what about the power that God has given us? What about praying believing and leaving no room for doubt? Sometimes I think we add the "your will God" because we're afraid that He's not going to move and we don't want to look dumb! This way we can say, "Well I prayed, but it must not have been God's will." Really? Really did you pour out your heart in faith believing God or did you just say the words because that's what you're supposed to do? Because the prayer of faith is believing God with everything. The prayer that  moves God's heart and hand is the prayer that leaves it all on the altar. The prayer of faith is the prayer made in humility that's not afraid to look dumb. Because you know what? It's not about you! If you make prayer about you then God's not going to answer because it's about Him! He is willing to do the work, if we are willing to humble ourselves and lay it all on the line.

People in other countries receive miracles from God because if God doesn't show up, then they have nothing. They have no choice but to come before God humbly asking Him, beseeching Him to perform a miracle in their life. And God shows up because they are full of faith. We need to come to this realization, that if God doesn't show up in our prayer closets then we have nothing!

So let me ask you, are you serving a God that is real and has real power? Power over sickness? Power over disease? Power over circumstances? Power over finances? Power over the enemy? Or are you serving a God who's power is only in the stories?

I See You

I had an eye opening conversation the other day, that I'm still reeling from. Eight little words totally changed my perception of myself. As I sat across the desk balling my eyes out in frustration because NOTHING I do is right, I was told, "I don't see you how you see you."

Wait what? What do you mean? You mean you don't see my world falling apart? You don't see me failing life? What? Are you really looking at me?

In that moment I realized something that hadn't made sense before. It's not all bad. Yes, there are somethings that are going wrong, but it's not all bad. Those eight words also forced me to realize something else...

As a teenager I struggled with depression and my self-image. My youth pastor, tired of me talking in circles (I think that's why), made me read a book. He was smart. He gave me the book just before I went away for a month. I think that was so he wouldn't have to hear my exhausting inner dialogue that I spewed all over him, as I battled what I was reading, what I knew was true, and what I believed as true. You see there are things we know are true that we don't believe. On the same hand there are things we believe that we know aren't true. Yep I just went there! But don't stop reading because you know you want to hear the rest of what I have to say!

So the book my youth pastor gave me is called, "Telling Yourself the Truth." I got that book and my teenage eyes were rolling. Why? Because sometimes we don't want help! We want to wallow in our self-pity, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Basically we want to wallow in SELF! Wow, that sounds like pride to me! If we change than we can't blame others, we can't have pity parties, and we can't stay sitting in our filth. The funny thing about his timing is, I was on my way to South Africa on a missions trip!!! Wow, talk about wanting to do something for God and being wrapped up in self! The two just don't jive!

Through the help of the book, my youth pastor, and ultimately God's Word, I came to some new realizations about myself. It gave me confidence know "I was fearfully and wonderfully made." That I, Jennifer Loveless, was the daughter of a King. And not just any king... The KING OF KINGS. It was such a freeing and liberating experience to know, that it didn't matter what lies were told to me in the past, God was writing my future and he had good thoughts toward me.

Like with everything, if you don't use it you lose it. Somewhere along the line, I began to forget the things God said about me and I started listening once again to the liar of my soul. I began hearing those old thoughts "you're a failure... you can't do anything right... no one loves you..." And to my detriment I began to believe those things. When one thing would go wrong, everything was wrong. And I tried to believe that wasn't the case, but I held on to the lies and deception that was feeding me. Allowing me to stay in my pity party. "Comforting" me. I say this loosely, because unfortunately sometimes we comfort ourselves with lies.  I knew the truth, but I wasn't hearing it.

And then my pastor said those eight words to me, "I don't see you how you see you." And it was as if God was speaking through him at that moment, because instantly I realized that God didn't see me how I was seeing myself either. And that God was sick of my inner negative dialogue and whining to Him about things that just weren't true as well. God says, "You are a new creation, old things have passed away behold all things are new... I think good thoughts toward you, thoughts of peace not evil, to give you a hope and a future... You are my daughter, I love you... I don't make junk... You are not a failure, you are more than a conqueror through Me... In your weakness I Am made strong..." My soul began to be revived as I realized that though it felt like my world was caving in God had not abandoned me.

God still saw me! And not the miserable, wretched me that I was seeing, but the new creature in Christ. His daughter, bought by the blood of the Lamb. Cleansed. Redeemed. Made in the image of Him!!!

Wow, I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could and did. I decided to change the way I was seeing me. And I know I'm not the only one.

We need to release the lies that have been spoken over our lives. Stop clinging to them for comfort. Stop wallowing in SELF! Stand up and claim the inheritance that God has given you as a daughter of The Most High! He has a plan and purpose for your life that you're never going to reach as long as your eyes are on you! God sees YOU! And not the sick, tired, empty, pathetic you that you see. He sees you. The you He has created you to be. The you full of purpose! The you that is brand new in Him!

God sees YOU!