I See You

I had an eye opening conversation the other day, that I'm still reeling from. Eight little words totally changed my perception of myself. As I sat across the desk balling my eyes out in frustration because NOTHING I do is right, I was told, "I don't see you how you see you."

Wait what? What do you mean? You mean you don't see my world falling apart? You don't see me failing life? What? Are you really looking at me?

In that moment I realized something that hadn't made sense before. It's not all bad. Yes, there are somethings that are going wrong, but it's not all bad. Those eight words also forced me to realize something else...

As a teenager I struggled with depression and my self-image. My youth pastor, tired of me talking in circles (I think that's why), made me read a book. He was smart. He gave me the book just before I went away for a month. I think that was so he wouldn't have to hear my exhausting inner dialogue that I spewed all over him, as I battled what I was reading, what I knew was true, and what I believed as true. You see there are things we know are true that we don't believe. On the same hand there are things we believe that we know aren't true. Yep I just went there! But don't stop reading because you know you want to hear the rest of what I have to say!

So the book my youth pastor gave me is called, "Telling Yourself the Truth." I got that book and my teenage eyes were rolling. Why? Because sometimes we don't want help! We want to wallow in our self-pity, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Basically we want to wallow in SELF! Wow, that sounds like pride to me! If we change than we can't blame others, we can't have pity parties, and we can't stay sitting in our filth. The funny thing about his timing is, I was on my way to South Africa on a missions trip!!! Wow, talk about wanting to do something for God and being wrapped up in self! The two just don't jive!

Through the help of the book, my youth pastor, and ultimately God's Word, I came to some new realizations about myself. It gave me confidence know "I was fearfully and wonderfully made." That I, Jennifer Loveless, was the daughter of a King. And not just any king... The KING OF KINGS. It was such a freeing and liberating experience to know, that it didn't matter what lies were told to me in the past, God was writing my future and he had good thoughts toward me.

Like with everything, if you don't use it you lose it. Somewhere along the line, I began to forget the things God said about me and I started listening once again to the liar of my soul. I began hearing those old thoughts "you're a failure... you can't do anything right... no one loves you..." And to my detriment I began to believe those things. When one thing would go wrong, everything was wrong. And I tried to believe that wasn't the case, but I held on to the lies and deception that was feeding me. Allowing me to stay in my pity party. "Comforting" me. I say this loosely, because unfortunately sometimes we comfort ourselves with lies.  I knew the truth, but I wasn't hearing it.

And then my pastor said those eight words to me, "I don't see you how you see you." And it was as if God was speaking through him at that moment, because instantly I realized that God didn't see me how I was seeing myself either. And that God was sick of my inner negative dialogue and whining to Him about things that just weren't true as well. God says, "You are a new creation, old things have passed away behold all things are new... I think good thoughts toward you, thoughts of peace not evil, to give you a hope and a future... You are my daughter, I love you... I don't make junk... You are not a failure, you are more than a conqueror through Me... In your weakness I Am made strong..." My soul began to be revived as I realized that though it felt like my world was caving in God had not abandoned me.

God still saw me! And not the miserable, wretched me that I was seeing, but the new creature in Christ. His daughter, bought by the blood of the Lamb. Cleansed. Redeemed. Made in the image of Him!!!

Wow, I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could and did. I decided to change the way I was seeing me. And I know I'm not the only one.

We need to release the lies that have been spoken over our lives. Stop clinging to them for comfort. Stop wallowing in SELF! Stand up and claim the inheritance that God has given you as a daughter of The Most High! He has a plan and purpose for your life that you're never going to reach as long as your eyes are on you! God sees YOU! And not the sick, tired, empty, pathetic you that you see. He sees you. The you He has created you to be. The you full of purpose! The you that is brand new in Him!

God sees YOU!

Walking Into the Fire

As I’ve walked down the road, I’ve seen this faint glow in the distances. It looked like a river shimmering in the distance. Stretching out on both sides as far as the eye can see. The closer I got the more the picture changed. The river had a faint orange tint to it, like it was reflecting the final rays of a sunset. As I get closer still, the picture becomes even more distinct. Fire. A river of fire. I look at the path I’m on and it leads me right through the middle of it. My eyes begin to swing, wondering, hoping that there’s another way: a bridge maybe, to go over it. My steps have slowed. My heart is racing. I’m at the threshold. I hear the faint call, “Will you walk with me?” I know the voice of my Friend, my Savior, but He must be mistaken.

“You want me to go in there. You want me to walk through that!” My heart cries. The heat from the flames can be felt in my innermost being. My pride rises up within me. “I don’t need to walk through there. I’m fine.” The more it cries out, the more I realize that this is the path I need to be on.

I’m afraid. There is no way this is going to be easy. It’s going to hurt. I’m going to be crushed. “Are you sure? Are you sure this is the path you have for me?” I cry out to my Friend, my Savior.

“I will be with you.” He gently reminds me, “This is for your good.”

I know in my heart what He says is true. He has never lied to me, and has promised He never would. I also know that I can choose not to take this path. I can choose an easier way. I know there’s something beautiful on the other side. If only I could find another way to get there, but that would only lead me to death. I have to walk this path, so I will know what is on the other side. All I see is fire. Flames of death. Flames of life.

My knees are shaking. My stomach wishes to release its contents. My heart races out of control “This is for your good.” My Friend, My Savior whispers.

“I know but I’m so afraid.” I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I take a step.

I’m in the river of fire. I feel relief. I’m alive. And immediately I feel frustration, anger, “why do I need to be here?!” I yell.

Pride looks me in the eye, Rebellion at his side, and says, “You don’t need to go this way. You’re better than this. You don’t need to be here.”

I fall to my knees and confront his lies. “God resists the proud.” I remind myself. I don’t know when he’d become so big. And Rebellion, when did he get here! Where did they come from?

There is only one place. But I can’t look there. What else would I find if I did? How did this happen? I open my eyes. Still on my knees, my reflection shimmering off the face of the river of fire. I see something that disgusts me. I see… my heart.

I pray. Then stand up. And begin my journey.

Snowy Footprints

While walking through fresh snow with two little boys, the younger of the two said, “I’m walking in your footprints Miss Jenn.”

Instantly, I shortened my steps and was more careful about where I placed my feet, making sure that I placed my foot on sure ground, so the little person following behind me wouldn’t slip. As I did this I realized how profound his little comment was.

Over the next few days I began to think about all the footprints I leave behind. I wondered where they all went, and did I want people following ALL my steps. I seem to make choices everyday that I wish I could undo or take back. And while contemplating these things, I could feel the Spirit speaking to my spirit saying follow my footprints.

Instead of worrying about where I am going, or all the things I do wrong I need to instead be following Jesus. Where would Jesus walk?

Jesus walked out of synagogues and into the home of sinners.

Jesus walked out of the crowds and up to the mountains to pray.

Jesus walked on water.

Jesus walked to the grave of Lazarus, and the dead man walked out alive!

Jesus walked up the hill to Calvary, and 3 days later walked out of His tomb.

Jesus walked through trials, adversity, and pain. Jesus walked by faith, in the power and anointing of the Holy Ghost. Jesus walked in love, mercy, and compassion.

 
Will we dare to walk where Jesus walked?

Fiction Friday

I know you've been waiting anxiously for this... Sorry it's taken almost a month to post chapter two, December was super crazy for me! So without further ado... Chapter 2 of The Quartet ~ Seara's Story

 

Chapter 2

 

“Seara?” Brian asked. “Is that you?” Brian came down the steps of the porch and closed the distance between them.

Seara flattened her hair. “Hey, I didn’t know you were home.”

“Yeah, I got in last night. I surprised my parents. I’m on leave for the week.” Brian said, his smile reaching his eyes. “My parents told me about your dad’s heart attack. But I hear he’s doing better.”

“Yeah.” Seara sighed, and looked toward the woods.

“Sea, what’s the matter? Isn’t your dad doing better?” Brian asked concern lacing his voice.

Tears formed in Seara’s eyes out of nowhere. Blinking quickly to try and stop them, Seara took a deep breath to steady her voice. As she tried to answer her voice cracked.

“Oh Sea.” Brian reached out and touched her arm, “Come sit, what’s going on?”

Seara walked with Brian to the porch steps. They sat down, Seara on the second step, and Brian on the third. Seara sat staring at the horizon. The sky was turning brilliant shades of pink and orange, but Seara failed to notice. This was normally her favorite time of day. Seara sighed. What was she going to do? When she had gotten the call about her father, she had made the decision to return home. But now what was she going to do?

“Sea?” Brian said gently using her nickname. Brian saw Seara jump.

“I’m sorry. It just hasn’t been an easy week. And Lyss and Mikey will be coming home tomorrow, and I have to try and find out if dad qualifies for a home health aid, and I don’t know what we need for Thanksgiving. It’ll be okay. It has to be. I’m going to make it all work. I don’t know how, but it’s going to.” Seara rambled on in normal fashion, forgetting that Brian was there. Suddenly Seara stood, “I’ve got to go, I’ve got so much to do. Gram will be up soon and wondering where I am.”

“Sea... Sea... Seara!” Brian said reaching out to touch her arm. “Let me drive you home.”

“No, no. I’ll be okay. I was going to cut through the woods.”

     Brian followed along. “I’ll walk with you.”

Seara knew better than to refuse. Brian had been stubborn before entering the military, there was no way she’d get him to change his mind now. Seara’s stomach fluttered rebelliously as they walked along. She could kick herself, at least if they had driven it wouldn’t have taken as long.

As the silence lengthened Seara’s mind began to wander of its own accord.

*       *       *

By Seara’s junior year of High School she had her driver’s license and a beat up Chevy Lumina that she shared with her sister. Alyssa had begun the habit of driving them all to school the year before.

The girls had started a club when they were in sixth grade. They had named themselves The Quartet. The girls had begun meeting every Thursday night for a couple hours. Just before the girls all entered High School they decided to change their meetings. Now instead of going to the old tree house the girls would go to a movie, or dinner, or to the mall – Seara did this last one with extreme reservation.

On one such Thursday on a rainy fall night, Seara was driving the girls home in the car she shared with her sister. The sister’s took the car a week at a time. If it was Seara’s week she was responsible for gas. The girls were singing at the top of their lungs on their drive home from the movies, when the car sputtered and stalled. Seara carefully navigated the car to the side of the road, her eyes jumping to the gas gauge that read below E.

Her parents had needed the car the previous day and had given her money to put in the gas.  Seara honestly believing she would have enough until the next day had drove right past the gas station.

Alyssa was the most vocal about their situation. She couldn’t believe Seara hadn’t put gas in the car.

As the girls were deciding to walk the two miles to the gas station – seeing it was closer than any of their homes – the skies opened and the rain began to pour. The girls decided to wait it out.

Living in “the middle of nowhere” had it’s distinct disadvantages; however, this night they were in luck. After only five minutes of sitting in the car on the side of the road, a truck drove past them. The girls watched as the brake lights lit up and the truck turned around.

“I think that’s my brother.” Talli said from the front seat. Talli and her twin brother Brian had moved to the area the summer before they entered Middle School. Brian and Talli were as different as they were alike. Brian and Talli shared dark hair, but Brian had blue eyes while Talli sported chocolate brown eyes. Brian was studious and while Talli, by no means dumb, had less interest in academia. Brian was optimistic and tended to be introverted; Talli was more pessimistic in some situations, but made friends easily, even if she tended to be bossy at times.

Seara wanted to melt into the seat, How could this be happening?

Brian stepped out of the truck and came up to Seara’s window, “Are you guys alright?”  He asked when Seara’s window was open.

“Bry, we ran out of gas. Can you take us to go get some?” Talli asked, leaning over to see her brother.

Brian agreed and the girls, none of them wanting to wait in the car on the deserted road, went with him. It was a set-up from the time the girls got out of the car. Talli pushed Seara into the front, then climbed into the back of the cab with Tria and Alyssa.

The three in the back whispered softly as Brian tried to engage Seara in conversation. Brian had been pursuing Seara since their eighth grade year. Any other guy would have given up by now. Seara couldn’t understand why he hadn’t.

 “Oh shoot.” Seara whispered as they pulled into the gas station.

“What’s up?” Brian asked.

“I forgot my wallet.” Seara didn’t carry a purse except to church.

“Me too,” this came from the three girls in the back after checking for their bags. The girls had been in such a rush not to get wet, they had run to Brian’s truck without getting their purses.

“Could you please take us back so I can get my wallet?” Seara asked.

“No don’t worry about it; I’ll just pay for the gas.”

“Okay. I’ll give you the money when we get back to the car.”

Brian didn’t argue, a small smile coming to his lips as he got out. Thankfully Seara hadn’t seen it, otherwise he would’ve gotten an earful. He almost wished she had, that would be better than her silence.

The next few minutes went by without incident. Before they knew it they here back to the car, Seara jumping out nearly before the truck had come to a complete stop. Seara dashed to the car and searched for her wallet, as Brian put the gas in. She had tried to tell him he didn’t need to she could do it, but he hadn’t listened. Seara’s eyes looked beseechingly to her sister who was in the front seat of the car.

“What?” Alyssa whispered.

“Do you have any money? I can’t find the twenty mom gave me.”

“Sea.” Alyssa sighed dramatically as she opened her purse. “Nope.”

Seara looked to the back seat where Tria was sitting. Tria’s long blonde hair fell over her shoulder as she peeked through her purse. Shaking her head.

“Brian.” Seara’s voice was most contrite. “I am so sorry, but can I give you the money tomorrow at school?”

“No, don’t worry about it. It’s on me.”

“No I’ll pay you back.” Seara insisted.

“Fine. If you’re so insistent, you can pay me back by going to the movies with me Saturday night.”

Seara’s face flamed, why hadn’t she just let him pay for the gas. Seeing no way around it with everyone watching, she suddenly had an idea, “Fine, but you have to ask my dad’s permission.”

“Not a problem,” Brian said smiling, “Your dad loves me.”

Seara sighed knowing he was right.

Friday went by much too fast. And all too soon it was Saturday. Tria and Talli were spending the night so that way they could hear all about Seara’s date as soon as it was over. The girls spent the day shopping. Talli insisted that Seara needed a new outfit. Seara had given up saying, “it’s not a date,” because no one seemed to be listening to her anyway.

An hour before Seara’s date, the other girls were chatting in Alyssa’s room, Seara plopped down on the couch next to her dad. Her dad was her rock. He was the one she was able to bare her soul to and never had to worry about him using the information to hurt her.

“You okay peanut.” Her father asked still using her childhood nickname. Seara had been his peanut since coming to live with Richard and Elizabeth at the age of two as a foster child. It had taken three long years before the adoption was finally finalized.

“Yeah. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well.”

“I could’ve told him no.” Richard said deciding not to tease his daughter.

“No, it’s okay. At least he agreed to let me pay for myself.”

“Sea!” Talli yelled down the stairs. “Get up here so we can do your hair!”

Richard patted his daughter’s leg, letting her know with that gesture it was all going to be okay. Seara wasn’t so sure, but after one more call of her name, she rose and walked up the stairs to her fate. At least she had been able to convince them to allow her to wear pants since it had been threatening to snow.

Five minutes before he was supposed to be there Brian showed up at her door. Seara had tried convinced the girls to go too, but sit in the back so Brian wouldn’t know, but they shot her down. Alyssa’s looked extremely protective as the doorbell sounded. Seara smiled reassuringly at her sister letting her know it was going to be okay.

All too soon Seara was at the movies with Brian. She was a ball of nerves and ended up missing the first half of the movie. Seara, she spoke to herself, you used to be friends. You played basketball with him, and told him things you didn’t even share with The Quartet. What’s the problem? Seara knew the problem; it had changed when he announced at youth camp ‘God told me I’m going to marry you.’ Seara had freaked out and decided then and there she had somehow led him on and could no longer be his friend. Seara finally allowed herself to calm down, when she did she found herself enjoying the end of the movie.

The snow was falling mercilessly as they left the movie theater. Seara was quiet admiring the snow. She always enjoyed the first snow of the season. As they headed out of town, the wind picked up and Brian ever cautious had to slow down as it was getting hard to see. On the drive home it was Brian to break the silence.

“Sea, we used to be friends. Can’t we be friends again?”

Seara sighed. She didn’t know what to say to him. She’d spent most of the last three years avoiding him. Not that it worked very well, they ended up having a lot of the same classes, and in fact he was her physics lab partner. The teacher had told the students at the beginning of the year he would be dividing them up alphabetically. Brian Kingsley just happened to be right next to Seara Lee in the order.

“Brian, I just don’t know. I just can’t. There’s so much you don’t know. And I just can’t date you.”

“Seara, what if we just go back to how we were before?” There was no need saying before what they both knew. “At least can we try?” Brian was looking at her. She could feel his eyes on her.

“Brian!” She yelled.

Brian jerked the steering wheel; the tires slipped, grabbed the gravel, and the truck was slung across the road. The whole truck tipped up on two wheels, landed on the drivers side, and spun around. Finally coming to an abrupt stop as the back end slammed into a tree. Seara hung suspended above Brian. She shook herself trying to reorient herself.

“Bry. Bry. Brian!” Seara screamed it did no good. Seara braced her feet on the dash, unbuckled herself, and then scooted herself toward Brian careful not to fall on him. Seara’s first aid skills came to the front carefully she gave him a little shake once again calling his name. When he didn’t respond she felt for a pulse. She sighed with relief when she felt his pulse. Next she checked his breathing, again she was happy. She needed to think. Wait, hadn’t Talli said they had gotten phones for their birthday yesterday. Seara felt Brian’s coat pocket, it was there. Seara began to feel weak and her legs began to give out. Feeling dizzy she just needed to complete the call.

“Hello.” Richard answered the phone on the second ring.

“Dad, help.” Seara got out before the world went black.

Seara awoke to find herself in a bed a bright light on above her head. Turning her head slowly she was aware of the sharp pain and a bandage along the right side. Her mother rushed to the bed, grabbing her hand. Anything she was going to say died in her throat as the ER doctor came into the room.

“I’m glad you’re awake.” The Doctor spoke. “Do you know where you are?”

Seara started to shake her head, but spoke instead. “The hospital.”

“Good. Do you know what happened?”

Seara was able to remember everything up until she called her dad. The doctor happy with her answers told her that she would be able to go home that night. She had a mild concussion, but should be okay as long as she took it easy. When the doctor left Seara found her father’s eyes and asked about Brian.

*       *       *

Seara reached up and fingered the scar on the right side of her temple where her head had slammed off the top of the seat belt and cut her head open. Everything had changed for them after that, they were able to become friends again. In some ways they had grown closer than ever; and then, Seara’s mother had died and he had left her too.

They were at her front porch, Seara turned to thank him for walking her home. But the look of compassion on Brian’s face stopped her.

“I’m here for the week. If you need help with anything call me.” Brian reached out and moved the hair from the right side of her face tracing the small scar with his finger.





Courage

My word for 2012 was courage. In 2011 God stretched me in ways I didn't know were possible. As that year ended God asked me some pretty tough questions. He asked me if I would give Him everything. I asked Him what He meant. He gave me the list of what everything looked like (which really included everything, shocker I know), and then I asked, "For how long?" And He said, "Forever." I fell to my knees at that request. I stuttered and told Him I needed to think about it. Never had the verses that Jesus said speaking about counting the cost been so clear to me. And so as 2011 ended, I surrendered everything to the Lord. Then I felt for the first time God was giving me a word for the year. That word was Courage.

I also had some pretty big preconceived notions about what 2012 would look like... I had imagined that because God had asked me to give up everything, that would get the ball rolling and I'd finally begin to move in the direction of the dreams and desires He's been planting in my heart. I was excited and nervous. As 2012 wore on I became a little frustrated, nothing was working how I thought it was supposed to. I began to question whether or not I had really heard God. And questioned the things I knew God had shown me. Wondering how in the world could I have misinterpreted Him. It took me awhile to realize that I only misinterpreted the things I thought were God not the things that actually were.

Let me explain... I spent the month of August interning with some good friends and mentors in Silver Creek. While there I asked Pastor Jim about a dream I had had. He said to me, "You need to know how God talks to you." And in my head and heart I knew how God speaks to me. I've been saved since I was 3 (genuinely saved). I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12. I had a rough time as a kid and often felt abandoned and alone by my family. God used this to His advantage. At 7 years old sitting alone in the church sanctuary I opened a hymnal and it fell to the hymn "What a Friend I Have in Jesus." Immediately I knew that no matter what Jesus was my friend. Over the years He was the only one I was completely honest with: whether I was happy, upset, hurt, or even had a crush on someone... He knew everything about me! I say all this to say, I know the gentle call of my Friend when He speaks to my heart.

So here's where the trouble came. I've been asking God for a confirmation for something specific for about 13 years (since I was a sophomore in High School). I had asked God to let me be able to smell as confirmation to this request. Amazingly enough, in 2011 I did. I was astounded. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had actually happened. From there I began dreaming and making plans, and trying to figure out how it was all going to work out. Looking back I realize, my prayers were selfish, asking God when such and such would happen and not really asking if this was really of Him, because in my mind it just had to be.

In March 2012, all my plans fell apart. I was crushed. I couldn't believe that God would show me something and then let it blow up in my face. I was angry and frustrated and began to question everything! How could I have been so wrong?! Honestly, the only answer that I've come to is, that yes I was able to smell, but that isn't the "normal" way God speaks to my heart, and so as much as I had wanted that thing to be true, it wasn't. I can't say it's been an easy road to come to that conclusion and be okay with the confusion it had caused, but I know God has not given up on me, even with my poor assumptions.

So yesterday (New Year's Eve) as I sat at work thinking about the New Year I was reminded of my word for the year and thought, "Courage. I didn't need courage. I didn't do anything extraordinary. I don't understand."

But as I sit here typing I've realized something. There were many times this year I needed the courage that only God can bring. In March, I needed Courage to keep trusting God even when my world was turned upside down. In August, I needed Courage to drive to Silver Creek and work on my internship. In September, I needed Courage to allow God to begin the healing work in my life. In November, I needed Courage to allow God to speak to me and not be afraid to cry in His presence, even if there were others around me.

So no 2012 did not look anything like I thought it would. I didn't move across the equator to become a missionary. I didn't literally lose everything. I didn't find that special someone. But I can honestly say it wasn't a wasted year. I have grown and learned more about myself and God. And honestly, I think it would have been easier to leave, than to stay. Why? Because, the outside work is a lot easier than the inside work; because the inside work can only be accomplished by God. I am truly looking forward to what God has planned for me in 2013.