Courage

My word for 2012 was courage. In 2011 God stretched me in ways I didn't know were possible. As that year ended God asked me some pretty tough questions. He asked me if I would give Him everything. I asked Him what He meant. He gave me the list of what everything looked like (which really included everything, shocker I know), and then I asked, "For how long?" And He said, "Forever." I fell to my knees at that request. I stuttered and told Him I needed to think about it. Never had the verses that Jesus said speaking about counting the cost been so clear to me. And so as 2011 ended, I surrendered everything to the Lord. Then I felt for the first time God was giving me a word for the year. That word was Courage.

I also had some pretty big preconceived notions about what 2012 would look like... I had imagined that because God had asked me to give up everything, that would get the ball rolling and I'd finally begin to move in the direction of the dreams and desires He's been planting in my heart. I was excited and nervous. As 2012 wore on I became a little frustrated, nothing was working how I thought it was supposed to. I began to question whether or not I had really heard God. And questioned the things I knew God had shown me. Wondering how in the world could I have misinterpreted Him. It took me awhile to realize that I only misinterpreted the things I thought were God not the things that actually were.

Let me explain... I spent the month of August interning with some good friends and mentors in Silver Creek. While there I asked Pastor Jim about a dream I had had. He said to me, "You need to know how God talks to you." And in my head and heart I knew how God speaks to me. I've been saved since I was 3 (genuinely saved). I was baptized in the Holy Spirit at 12. I had a rough time as a kid and often felt abandoned and alone by my family. God used this to His advantage. At 7 years old sitting alone in the church sanctuary I opened a hymnal and it fell to the hymn "What a Friend I Have in Jesus." Immediately I knew that no matter what Jesus was my friend. Over the years He was the only one I was completely honest with: whether I was happy, upset, hurt, or even had a crush on someone... He knew everything about me! I say all this to say, I know the gentle call of my Friend when He speaks to my heart.

So here's where the trouble came. I've been asking God for a confirmation for something specific for about 13 years (since I was a sophomore in High School). I had asked God to let me be able to smell as confirmation to this request. Amazingly enough, in 2011 I did. I was astounded. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what had actually happened. From there I began dreaming and making plans, and trying to figure out how it was all going to work out. Looking back I realize, my prayers were selfish, asking God when such and such would happen and not really asking if this was really of Him, because in my mind it just had to be.

In March 2012, all my plans fell apart. I was crushed. I couldn't believe that God would show me something and then let it blow up in my face. I was angry and frustrated and began to question everything! How could I have been so wrong?! Honestly, the only answer that I've come to is, that yes I was able to smell, but that isn't the "normal" way God speaks to my heart, and so as much as I had wanted that thing to be true, it wasn't. I can't say it's been an easy road to come to that conclusion and be okay with the confusion it had caused, but I know God has not given up on me, even with my poor assumptions.

So yesterday (New Year's Eve) as I sat at work thinking about the New Year I was reminded of my word for the year and thought, "Courage. I didn't need courage. I didn't do anything extraordinary. I don't understand."

But as I sit here typing I've realized something. There were many times this year I needed the courage that only God can bring. In March, I needed Courage to keep trusting God even when my world was turned upside down. In August, I needed Courage to drive to Silver Creek and work on my internship. In September, I needed Courage to allow God to begin the healing work in my life. In November, I needed Courage to allow God to speak to me and not be afraid to cry in His presence, even if there were others around me.

So no 2012 did not look anything like I thought it would. I didn't move across the equator to become a missionary. I didn't literally lose everything. I didn't find that special someone. But I can honestly say it wasn't a wasted year. I have grown and learned more about myself and God. And honestly, I think it would have been easier to leave, than to stay. Why? Because, the outside work is a lot easier than the inside work; because the inside work can only be accomplished by God. I am truly looking forward to what God has planned for me in 2013.