Love Them Like Jesus

I've had some awesome opportunities the last few days to share my faith. I work in a community residence for mental illness. I work with the same set of people day in and day out 4 days a week, ten hours a day. Our residents are teenagers, and let me tell you, everyday has been the best and worst in my life.

I love my job. I love working with people, and seeing there growth. I love pouring into people and helping them to achieve their goals. I try my hardest to live my faith out in my job. Some days are easier than others. Everyone I work with knows that I'm working to become a children's pastor, that I attend and work in my church regularly.

For the most part I don't bring up matters of faith. When I'm asked my opinion or a question about my beliefs, I am very straight forward and don't hold back. I'm not wishy washy in my answer, I try my best to deliver the truth in love. Yesterday, a resident came to me and told me that his family had reverted back to Christianity and he was very concerned about something he had read. He read in Psalms how God detests gossipers. So he came and confessed that some other girls were gossiping. I took the opportunity to explain to him that he also had engaged in that behavior the week before and that as he read his Bible he needed to let it change him and not use it as a weapon against others. Moments later, he did that very thing. He began bashing other residents over the head with what he had read, and continued in his bad behavior. I was able to talk with him, and honestly I'm not sure what had sunk in, but this is what I'm excited about.

Today at work one of my coworkers and I were talking about this scene from yesterday. I told him what I had told the resident and he said, "I'm so glad you had that conversation with him. Because he'll be able to take it from you because we all know you're background, and you never beat any of us over the head with your Bible." He went on to explain some of the bad experiences he's had with church and church people. We talked for a few minutes and I explained that I was sorry he had gone through some of those things and also explained that unfortunately we often put man-made rules and traditions in places of authority that don't belong there. He then said, "It's like when someone told me I'm going to hell because of this or that. I don't need you to tell me that, I already know it." I stopped him and said, "Well if you ever want to talk about how you can change that let me know." He laughed and the conversation ended after that.

But that conversation helped me to see something important. One that even though I feel like I am an absolute mess, God is still in control. He is still using me in all of my imperfections to shine His light in my job. Why? Because I'm not bashing residents and coworkers over the head with the Bible. The Bible is the Sword of the Spirit. Which means it's a weapon of spiritual warfare not physical. Our Bible is to be a light to the lost, not a stick to beat them with. Like my coworker so aptly said, he knows he's going to hell. He doesn't need my judgments, he needs Christ's love. And the only way he's going to get that is through Christians willing to love like Jesus. Jesus never went around proclaiming people sinners or imposing man-made rules. Jesus fed the hungry, healed the sick, comforted, taught, loved.

Do I love like Jesus? Not even close, but do I try. Yes. Do I fail? Sometimes more than I think I succeed. But we always have the opportunity to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. So if you don't think you're witnessing enough. Ask yourself how do I love? Do I love like Jesus?

Live with Abandon

When I was 20 I made a list of goals. I made lifetime, ten year, and one year goals. Things that I wished to accomplish in my life and some steps I would need to take to accomplish these goals. Each year on or around my birthday I would evaluate these goals and see what I'd accomplished. This is the first year that I refused to do it.

There are a few reasons that I had chosen not to. The main one being I didn't want to look at all of the things that would not be accomplished by next year. Next year I turn 30 and that would be the end of the ten year goals. I didn't want to be depressed about all the things I've not done yet.

There's a song I often hear on the radio (I only listen to K-Love or Air1). It's called Live with Abandon by Newsboys. And I love that song because truly I want to live like the chorus states:
I wanna live with abandon
Give You all that I am
Every part of my heart Jesus
I place in Your hands
However the other day as I was driving my car to the garage to get it inspected, so that I could begin my busy day, I heard that song and part of the first verse struck me:
There's gotta be so much more to life than this
A higher calling that I missed
I realized immediately that I've been feeling as if I've missed something. That along the way some where I'd missed God's calling and that was it I was never going to get it back.

Almost 3 years ago I felt like God was speaking to my heart about how I was so wrapped up in what I thought I was supposed to do, that He couldn't move me. From there I began to evaluate my life and the things I was doing. They were all good things. But good things might not be God things if we're doing them on our own. So I went on a missions trip that summer, and it was amazing. I didn't want to come home. In fact, in the last area we ministered in were a missionary and his wife from Colombia. The wife asked me if I wanted to stay. I said, "Yes." She told me (through the interpretation of another woman who'd gone with us) that I could stay with them. That their church would take an offering for me and I could stay. I was flabbergasted. Could this be real? Could this really be what I was supposed to do? Needless to say, I did not stay. I came home and I felt like my path had been completely blown up. Everything that I thought I was supposed to be doing, everything I'd been working towards.

I felt as if I was wandering a desert with no real direction. Should I have stayed? Why didn't I? Was God calling me to the mission field? Is that His plan for me? My life was shaken and has honestly been in a state of disarray since then. I've been wandering. Wondering if I'd missed God's plan.

I've been working with the assistant pastor at my church and he's been brutally honest with me (which is good). He told me that he hasn't gotten a strong sense of who I am as a person in our meetings. Well seeing as I'd been wandering around not really knowing who I am or what I was supposed to be doing, I don't blame him.

Every Sunday one of the greeters at church hugs me and asks how I'm doing. For awhile he wasn't believing me (he could see through my church face). Because of that I've learned to be honest to the best of my ability. So when he asked me how I was doing on Sunday, I told him honestly that I was good, and then asked if he believed me. He said this, "It's not that I don't believe that you're doing good. It's just something." After further prompting he said, "Fulfilled. You're not fulfilled." This made perfect sense to me, since it was basically what the assistant pastor has been saying to me. And so I went into worship with a prayerful heart asking God to be my fulfillment.

And so as I was driving and I heard that song Live with Abandon and I had a revelation. I've been living as if I've missed my higher calling. But those first lines aren't speaking to me! Yes I want to live with abandon. Yes I want to give all I have to Jesus. But I haven't missed His plan for my life.

My life was shaken, but there are some definites that haven't changed. It's just taken me awhile to figure this out. God has called me to ministry; and no I'm not exactly sure what that is always going to look like, but right now it means I'm the Children's Ministry Director at my home church. When God called me to ministry I was expecting it too look a special way, but that's not the case. God doesn't live in a box and so I shouldn't put Him in one. If one day God decides that I'm to move me, then He can move me. My life is not my own. I surrendered that to Him a long time ago.

 So my goal for this year and the rest of my life is to serve God with everything right where I'm at. It's to do my best in the position I'm in, so that He gets the glory. I want to live with abandon!

The Quartet... Chapter 4

I've not felt like writing in so long, that it almost became habit not to. But as I sat down to write, the words just began to flow out of me. So I hope you like this next chapter.

Chapter 4

                Seara woke up with the sun Thanksgiving morning. She really wanted to go for a run, but was nervous about the encounter she’d had on her last run. Deciding she would wait until Brian Kingston left to start running again, Seara pulled out the notebook she had brought back from the tree house. Tria’s soft snores from the air mattress could be heard, but knowing she had a good hour before she needed to get up, Seara decided to take the time to read.

            Xander came flying through the woods a look of terror on his face, startling me with his approach. “What is it?” I asked.

            Xander bent over inhaling deeply trying to catch his breath. Finally, after what seemed like forever he looked at me with the most indescribable expression on his face. “I knew you hadn’t heard.”

“Hadn’t heard what?” I asked rather pointedly.

“The king. He’s coming here. He’s visiting the faithful Lords. Thanking them for their help. In the war. He’ll be here in a fortnight. We’re going to be terribly busy. We must return to the castle. Your mother was looking for you after your studies.”

I rolled my eyes and plopped on my rock. Of course it was wonderful for Lord and Lady Dennison that the king was coming, but why did that mean I needed to interrupt my plans. Of course the castle would be in an uproar for the next two weeks: cleaning and baking and the like.

“Well don’t just sit there. Say something. This is wonderful.”

Xander dreamed of becoming a knight. As most boys his age did. Although Xander’s family was freemen they could not afford the equipment it would take to allow Xander to begin Knight training. Xander’s only hope was that Lord Dennison would think him a worthy candidate, seeing as he had no male offspring of his own. Xander’s family had lived here for four generations and had served the family faithfully.

“Annabeth. I’ve never heard you speechless.”

Xander was now pulling on my arm. All I could pray, and it was a very selfish prayer at that, was that neither the king nor Lord Dennison would ever see what a wonderful Knight Xander would make because I dreaded losing my dear friend.

“I’m in shock is all.” I said, hoping my true feelings were well hidden. “We’re not going to have much time to come here in the coming days. We’ll both be plenty busy I suppose.”

The smile on Xander’s face was of genuine pleasure. We headed back to the castle walls. Xander did most of the talking. He hardly noticed that I was nearly silent, he was so elated.

Upon entering the kitchen I expected mother to put me instantly to work. Instead she had me sit at the table and quizzed me on my lessons. She asked me to recite the verses to her that I’d learned, soaking my hands in the salt bath. Mother was distant, not really hearing what I had to say. When I would look at her I would find her staring in a most unusual way. When I was through she sent me to tidy our chambers.

That night after I’d retired, I heard my parents talking. It was most disconcerting. My mother seemed nervous and almost reluctant about the king’s arrival. I could not make out their words so much as their tone. My father was reassuring and kind as was his nature, but even I could make out the hesitation in his voice.

The next day I was summoned by Lady Dennison. This was not unusual for her, although I’d heard rumors from servants of guests that often came for banquets that it was was unusual for a Lady to convene with servants. But from what I’d heard of other servants, nearly everything Lord and Lady Dennison did was unusual.

My eyes downcast, I entered the suite and waited for Lady Dennison to acknowledge me. Lady Dennison acknowledged me almost immediately. “Come in.” I did. “Many changes will be coming in the next couple of weeks. The king was most pleased with my husband’s service to him and is coming with a very special announcement. Annabeth I-“ Lady Dennison stopped, almost unsure of what to say next. I chanced a look up tears were forming in her eyes. Of their own volition my feet moved forward and my hand was upon her shoulder. Lady Dennison reached up and grasped my hand squeezing gently. “I have no children, but have enjoyed watching you grow up here. I hope you don’t mind, I spoke with your parents and thought I might have a gown ordered for you for when the king comes.”

That this was an honor was not lost on me. The Lady had always been generous and I had benefited from that greatly over the years. But was I to do with a gown. I was so lost in thought that it took me a moment to realize that Lady Dennison had stopped speaking and was staring at me.

“I’m sorry my Lady.”

“That is alright Annabeth. I will need you tomorrow so that the seamstress can take your measurements. That will be all for today.”

I was grateful to be dismissed. More than anything I wished to go see Xander and discuss the Lady’s strange request. Maybe he’d be able to help me make sense of it.

Seara’s alarm went off startling her from her reading. Tria awoke with an unintelligible grunt and Seara quickly shut off the alarm, hoping Tria would go back to sleep. She did. Seara slipped from the room and into the shower while the rest of the family continued to sleep.

            Thanksgiving dinner went off without a hitch. Seara was the perfect hostess. Everyone complimented her on the delicious meal that was prepared. The fried turkey was perfect. The afternoon had turned unseasonably warm and so it was a delight to cook outside. 

            The men retired in front of the television watching the football game as the ladies chatted in the dining room. Seara knew she would be unable to wash the dishes without a thousand objections and so decided to go outside for a while. She was in shock that the quartet was back together. They hadn’t been all together since the end of June. And though time held no meaning, melting away when they were together Seara could feel the distinct pull of life on them.

            Talli came up behind Seara and looped her arm through hers. Seara sighed and smiled.  “Brian told me about your dad. He also told me the rest of the family doesn’t know yet. How are you doing?”

            Instantly Seara felt tears sting the back of her eyes. She had fought her way through the day, stuffing emotions and just trying to be there for her family. Her smile was sometimes forced and other times genuine, she had hoped against hope that no one could tell the difference. But she should’ve realized that The Quartet knew her like no one else did. Seara felt her arm squeezed. Wiping at a stray tear Seara smiled away the pain.

            “You know you can’t lie to me right?” Talli chuckled, “I know you too well for that. When will you let Mickey Mouse and Lyss know.”

            Seara howled at that, only Talli would continue to call her brother Mickey Mouse.  Seara took a deep breath and said, “Tomorrow night at dinner I think. I was hoping to do it today, but-“ Seara shrugged, “It’s probably better that we didn’t. I’m glad everyone’s here, but I’m drained. I can’t keep this up much longer. I just want them to know. Lyss was already looking at me like she knows something’s up. Thankfully with all the people here I’ve been able to avoid the questions. I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over.”

            “Anxious about all the Black Friday sales?” Brian asked coming up behind the girls.

            Both girls jumped. Talli laughed as she one-arm hugged her brother. “Game over?” Talli asked.

            “Nah, it’s halftime. And I was tired of sitting.”

            Talli laughed. Seara wished that Talli had let go of her arm so she could’ve left, but she had a feeling that she purposely held her captive. She tried looking everywhere else, but being so close to Brian he kind of filled her field of vision. His shoulders were strong and broad, although his stomach was lean. His face was full and his jaw only slightly square. He hovered a good six inches over his sister. As if he could feel Seara taking inventory of him, he smiled down at her.

            “How are you?” He asked softly.

            Seara smiled hiding behind it, unaware that the two standing next to her could see through it. “I’m fine.”

            Brian laughed a big hearty laugh. The girls looked at each other in confusion. “Really you’re fine. You do remember what that means don’t you?”

            Seara rose her brows quizzically.

            “Think about it. Your favorite actor… Mark Wahlberg. We went to see the movie I think after we graduated, just before I went into the service… The Italian Job.”

            “Wow. I can’t believe you remember that. It’s still one of my favorite movies.” Seara said.

            “Mine too.” Brian said softly.

            Talli still lost said, “I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.”
            Seara said, “In the movie they say that fine means, freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.” Looking at Brian she said, “Well I guess that’s about right then.”

            Unable to know what to say to comfort her Brian reached out to give her a half hug. The three of them stood there in a group hug for a couple of minutes when Seara heard Mikey calling for Brian because the game was starting. Seara pulled away from both of them and began walking toward the tree line. She needed to pull herself together. She needed to be strong. They would make it through this. Seara heard the footsteps behind her and figured Talli was coming back. More than anything she just wanted to climb in bed and hibernate there for the rest of the night. But she knew that would be rude to her guests. Turning around she ran right into Brian’s chest.

            “I ,,, I … I thought you were Talli. I need to get back inside. I’ve got to get things cleaned up. And I’m sure people are ready for dessert. I’ve been out here too long I’m sure they think I’m the rudest person in the world.”

            “Shh… Sea, it’s okay to take care of yourself once in a while.” Brian said, rubbing the sides of her arms.

Seara relaxed into his hold for a moment allowing her forehead to rest on his chest. It felt so right to have Brian comfort her. His hand gently touched her cheek and she was brought back to reality. She jumped away as if his touch had burned her. She nearly stumbled in her attempts to get out of reach.

Not pausing this time she mumbled about needing to be inside and getting things done and hurried back toward the house. Brian felt the ache like a slap across his face. God give me wisdom. Show me how I can be her friend. Lord, please she doesn’t even see that she’s running. And I’m pretty sure she’s not just running from me.

Dear Friend of Job

Do you have one of those friends who just gets you? I do. We laugh and joke and have more in common than I think even we know. Like we just found out the other day we even have the same A+ blood type, which is kind of weird in a good way. Especially when she explained it the same way I do. Wow, you'd think we had grown up together, but the amazing thing is we didn't. God brought her into my life a few years ago.

Let me say this, I love ALL of the wonderful friends God has put into my life, but there's something that's sometimes difficult with all of my wonderful friends (they're older - like I'm closer to their kid's ages than I am to there's with the exception of one we're only 10 years apart). Now these women are wonderful and I am truly grateful for them, but honestly sometimes we just don't have the same things in common. And so when you're looking for someone to relate to what you're going through it's hard to be sympathetic when you're in two different seasons in life. And so I did what I always do when I'm distressed: I took it to God in prayer. Now sometimes my prayers are more like whining and I can honestly say that it was mostly whining. I prayed, "God please I need a friend." I needed someone who would understand what I was going through, had been through, and wouldn't settle for my whining.

And then God brought her into my life. Let's just say, I wasn't so happy about it at first. She came in (in my mind) knowing everything, comparing everything to how it was done somewhere else, and was built up by the people around me as the epitome of wonderful, and so I went from being wonderful to forgotten. I didn't like that so much. So I did what anyone would do, I complained, I got frustrated, and then I remembered a famous cliche "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Now she was in no way the "enemy," far from it. But if I could learn from Mrs. Wonderful than that would be good because then maybe I could get some of my spotlight back (I know totally selfish, immature, and vain.) So the first day we hang out we're both doing the uncomfortable dance around topics until finally she says to me, "I have ulterior motives for having you over." I breathed a sigh of relief and admitted that I also had ulterior motives. We laughed about our awkwardness and began our new friendship. It was that simple. Since that time we've shared our hearts with one another and become great friends: sharing laughs, tears, wisdom, and so much more. I am truly grateful for the answer to prayer that God has given me.

I say all that to say my friend is very sick. She doesn't want pity, and even walking through this personal hell she has been a source of strength, wisdom, and grace. I can't say many people in her situation would handle it with as much care as she has. I went with her the other day to a doctor's appointment for her youngest daughter and on the way home we began discussing Job. She asked how long Job was like that and I said, by the sounds of it, it was a long time. As she began sharing her heart with me, I looked at her and said, "You don't have Job's friends."

A couple days later, I spent an hour and a half reading the first 17 chapters of the book of Job. At first I was reading to see if there was any indication of a time period. And as I thought, there was not. And so as it came time to read what Job's "friends" had to say, I started to skim it because they're absolutely ridiculous. And then God reminded me of what I've been teaching the kids on Wednesday nights: the Bible is God's word, God-inspired, and God-breathed. The whole Bible. As I read what Job's friends had to say I realized that what they were saying was true: God is the judge, only he knows the hearts of man, God will bring correction. The problem with what Job's friends were saying was their application to Job's life. They felt that Job must have angered God by sinning to cause this to befall him. But that wasn't the case.

As I read this a thought struck me, how many times in trying to help someone do we cause more distress by our good intentioned wrong advice? We don't have all the answers and sometimes our finite minds won't understand the will of God, but there are definite things that will always help: prayer, a smile, and being a blessing.

If God gives you a word for someone, test it. Read your Bible, take it back to God in prayer, if it continues to stir your heart and you have found Biblical evidence for your word, then take it to the person. But take it in love. In the Spirit of meekness.

God often will not reveal the why of a situation. Because that's not the answer He's looking to give. The why is insignificant. Job's friend's answered the why of his sickness and misfortune completely wrong. The Bible says the rain falls on the just and the unjust. We live in a sin-infested, fallen, dark world. And that's why bad things happen. But God says, "That ALL things work together for good to them that love Him and are called according to His purpose." And I have no doubt in my mind that my dear friend loves Jesus more than anything in the world.

And so dear friend the question to be asked is not why, but how. How can I serve Job? How can I love Job? How can I bless Job and his family? How can I minister to Job? How can I lift Job's spirits? How?

By answering this question you will fulfill the will of God for your life. The Bible states that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the second is like it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as yourself. So love the Job in your life. Be a true friend to Job. Let them see your love displayed in your acts of kindness and generosity. Be a blessing to Job!

One Month to Live ~ Day 4

I love how kids minds work. I went to preschool yesterday to help my dear friend Mrs Hidde. It's the last week of preschool and there's so much to do. I'm borrowing a friend's car for the week and it's a standard As I was putting some things together I looked across the room and said, "I miss driving stick.".
Mrs Hidde said, "Michael drives a stick."
I replied in the affirmative, and then watched as a little boy looked around confused. I heard him say to himself, "She drove a stick." As he spread his hands out as if holding a stick. Then looked up at me and said, "Miss Jenn, why did you drive a stick here?"
I couldn't contain my laughter. We tried to explain that it was a type of car, but could easily see that he couldn't understand what we were talking about. If the child had been one of the teens I work with I probably would've come up with a retort like, it's all that's left of my broom. :) But seeing as it was a preschooler, I knew I needed to NOT go there.

It was definitely an interesting day. Pretty typical work day. I work full-time at a community residence for teens with a mental health diagnosis. When I first started working there I prayed almost non-stop. I prayed for wisdom, for protection, for courage, for everything. I prayed that I would truly be a light and that God would open doors for me to talk to the kids about Him. And did He ever. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I've slacked off.

The people I work with believe there are "ghosts" in the residence. So whenever I hear their tales, I begin to pray, because I am not going to deal with that! The Bible says, "Greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world." Well let me tell you, I pray that whatever evil things these kids have encountered will leave and not torment them.

When I first started working there two years ago, there was a girl that was seeing a spirit. He would talk with her and give her messages. I walked into her room to see her reaching out to hug the air. I began praying. Over the course of the next few weeks, I prayed every time I was at work. About three weeks later, the girl came to me and said, "He told me today he had to leave and isn't allowed to come back." I held my breath waiting for the fall out that was sure to come, I was waiting for her to scream it was all my fault, but God's protection is amazing and I forget that sometimes. The fall out never came, and that particular spirit never came back! Thank you Jesus!

I say all of that to say, that I've slacked off. Last night my two co-workers came to me and said, "Jenn there's ghosts in the house and they were talking to me, going 'Miss. Miss.'" I laughed at them out loud, and then inwardly began to pray. The one was using his cellphone as a ghost tracker, who knew you could get a ghost tracker on your smart phone, but I wouldn't recommend it. So they gave me the cell phone and told me to take a look around the house. It was set up like a radar indicator, blue meant good spirits and red bad. I walked around the entire house praying again asking for God's protection, and that any evil spirits would leave. Nothing appeared on the "radar" and I said as much. The guy said, "Must be they don't like you."

Well I don't know if it's me so much as the God that lives in me. I say this to say, pray. The spiritual realm is real. We are in a spiritual battle and it's so easy to forget that. Remember, "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4). Prayer is where our power comes from. We need to realize that we need to stay connected to God. It is so important to be memorizing the Word, because sometimes there's not time to dig through your Bible to find the right answer. But if you're hiding God's Word in your heart He's able to bring it back to remembrance. He's able to show you how to pray and what to say.

So take some extra time with God today. Pray.

Some quotes from Chapter 4:
"A desperation to change is not enough. In order to sustain changes, we have to be connected to a power source beyond ourselves-a power that never wavers, flickers, or leaves us in the dark. We have to move from willpower to the real power that comes from a connection to our Creator."

"Communication and confession will keep us connected to the ultimate power source, the Vine."

One Month to Live ~ Day 3

How did Sunday go?

I have to say I really struggled with Sunday. I read chapter 2 and was trying to figure out what I could do to live more significantly. I prayed on my way to church asking God to show me what He wanted me to do. Show me where He wanted me to go. And I started to become frustrated because I feel like I've lost dreams and plans I had for my life. Not recently, but over the last couple of years I feel as if I've just been wandering through a desert aimlessly. I feel as if I have little passion or desire for anything. So I prayed God show me your will. Can I be honest... there were no messages in the sky, no inspirational thoughts, nothing. I walked into church with my smile on and was greeted at the door.

Three little words have always been my undoing when spoken with sincerity: "How're you doing?" I don't know why, but I got choked up. I couldn't answer. How do you tell someone you feel as if you're living a meaningless life: a life with out purpose or direction? And so I shrugged. And that's when this man of God took me aside and said, "Jenn all I want to know is how I can pray for you." I told him, I didn't know. He looked at me and said, "I want you to know you are in God's will. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. And you are making a difference." I couldn't stop the tears. God had given me my answer.

But I was still upset. Why? Because my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Because I don't feel like I'm making a difference. So I pouted throughout the day thinking, why can't I do something great? Why can't I... As I went about my day doing the "little" things I began to understand that it's in those little things that I'm making a difference. In the hugs to preschoolers, or being organized for a teacher meeting, or helping a friend print pictures for her kids graduation parties. It's in those moments that I'm making a difference.

I thought well that's nothing profound, that's just me being me. I realized that I can have a life of significance by being me in the small things. By using my time meaningfully and not wasting it.

Today I read Day 3 ~ Time Squared
And guess what it did. It confirmed the things I had begun to learn yesterday.

"The mundane can become magnificent if we're plugged into each hour and each other."

"If you waste your time, you waste your life."

"There is great freedom in learning to operate with an eternal perspective and not just by the watch on our wrists. A regular time of rest and recovery, a sabbath, is essential in our schedules. We need to become attuned to a greater measure of time than mere clocks and calendars."

"Our value is so much more than what we do."

"Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us" 2 Corinthians 6:1 The Message

How are you spending your time? Are you making memories in the moments? This song just fits today.

One Month to Live ~ Day 2

Here's how Day 1 went: I went to my brother Michael's wedding! It was wonderful. Three days before the wedding his fiancee asked me if I would be the wedding coordinator. To say the least I was hopping the last couple of days! I had to work my normal shift Friday, but was able to leave to go to the rehearsal, then helped with decorating, went back to work, and then went back to help finishing decorate. I left there Friday night with a list of things that needed to be done the next morning. Saturday, June 1st started bright and early for me. I went to work, then picked up Michael, and arrived at the wedding hall bright and early at 9am.

I really enjoy the running around and putting the finishing touches on things. I love the adrenaline rush of getting things put together in the nick of time, and then seeing the beauty of it all. I love helping take away other's stress and seeing them relax into a day that was made just for them. It was wonderful! The woman who runs the place asked me, "Have you done a lot of these? Everything is running so smoothly. I'm never not needed." When I explained that I hadn't coordinated a wedding before, she said, "Wow, really? You're a natural. And everything is going great!" That made my day. Because there would've been nothing worse than if I had ruined the whole thing.

When the day was over, I was exhausted. Looking around and seeing all that needed to be done and collected I was a little overwhelmed, and then, like clockwork things just fell into place and everything was rounded up and taken care of in under 30 minutes. I cannot explain how extremely blessed I feel to have been able to be a part of Michael and Lilia's special day!

The next week is going to be concentrated on Living Passionately. So here's what I'm learning from Day 2:
"God did not design us simply to stand by and watch life pass as we wonder why aren't we more fulfilled. God created us to take risks in faith and to conquer the giants that paralyze us with fear."

"When you're operating on the basis of reason, all you can see is how big your giants are. If you're operating in faith, all you can see is how small your giants are compared to God."

Make it count moment:
Are you doing anything in your life right now that requires faith? If not, why not? Are you looking at things from God's perspective or from a ground-level perspective?

What in my life requires faith? Am I living in such a way that I need God in every area of my life, or am I living in a way that I can "handle" it on my own? Looking at my life right now I would say, that I mostly handle life on my own. I talk with God daily, but I'm not dependent upon Him in the way He desires. God desires to be our all. God is to be our Provider, Protector, Guide. And I tend to get in the way and say, "I've got this God. I don't really need you right now. I can handle this."

God doesn't want to live in the little boxes we create for Him. God wants us to walk by faith. Look at the examples He gave us: Abraham journeying to a land that God was going to bring him to; Moses leading the people of Israel; Joshua conquering the promised land; Esther saving her people from destruction; David being a man after God's own heart. And so many more. These men and women of the Bible had no choice but to rely on God every moment of every day. They literally walked in faith. How can I say I am a faith-filled person, if I am not relying on that faith for my life? If I am living in such a way that I can handle it on my own?

And so the journey continues... How will I live in faith today?

Lord, show me how you're calling me to step out. God help me to walk in faith, following your leading. In Jesus name, amen.

One Month to Live

I hate to say this and have been looking for the right words for a few days...

I have one month to live.

I bet you don't understand. I didn't either. What am I supposed to do? Not sure yet. But here's the thing: I'm going to be fine. I'm not sick or dying. I was given a book entitled One Month to Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. It challenges you to live life like you only have a month left. So I thought I'd make it fun. I'm terrible at keeping commitments that I only make to myself. And so this is what I'm going to do: Each day I will read the book and then post about how it's effecting me and what I'm doing for the day to live like I only had one month to live. I will try to post each morning since that's when I have the most time and start by telling you about how I lived the day before. I hope you will be inspired by my journey.

June 1st ~
I've read the first chapter and realize that I'm a huge time waster. I've charted my time; and although, yes I'm an extremely busy person, I have huge amounts of time each week doing nothing of significance (NoS). This is my term and not the books. I'm going to work on reducing my NoS time by half.

What qualifies as NoS time? Watching TV, playing on the computer, running around aimlessly.

What am I going to do instead? Spend more time with family and friends, more time reading my Bible and praying, and start walking 2 miles on my days off that's 4-6miles a week.

My end goal: Is to stop living in fear: afraid to take a step, afraid to make a mistake, afraid of what people might think. And start living in freedom. The Bible says, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." I want to live a life of significance. I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done." And not "I never knew you."

Here are a few quotes that really spoke to me in this first chapter:
"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." - Alan Sachs

"Even as we engage ourselves in the present, we must think through the eternal impact of how we live."

"The only way we can live for eternity is to embrace each day as a gift from God. We must live in the tipping point between the everyday and the eternal."

My next journey begins...

Fiction Friday ~ Chapter 3

Have you missed me? Well I'm not going to make any excuses for why this has taken me so long, but I will try harder to post weekly.  So in case you've forgotten what's going on here's the last part of Chapter 2:

     Seara reached up and fingered the scar on the right side of her temple where her head had slammed off the top of the seat belt and cut her head open. Everything had changed for them after that, they were able to become friends again. In some ways they had grown closer than ever; and then, Seara’s mother had died and he had left her too.

     They were at her front porch, Seara turned to thank him for walking her home. But the look of compassion on Brian’s face stopped her.

     “I’m here for the week. If you need help with anything call me.” Brian reached out and moved the hair from the right side of her face tracing the small scar with his finger.

Chapter 3

The next few days were a blur of activity for Seara. Richard was released from the hospital Monday afternoon with follow-up appointments scheduled for the following weeks. Seara had gone grocery shopping and filled the house with fresh fruits and veggies. Gram had helped Seara clean and dust, not that there was much to do; Gram had kept the house immaculate. But Seara wanted everything to be just right for when Alyssa, her husband Craig, and Michael came home.

Seara absently fingered the small scar at her temple as she looked over the grocery list for the next day's dinner. She had everyone’s favorites: dad’s glazed carrots, Alyssa’s corn bread stuffing, Craig’s pumpkin spice brownies, Mikey’s chocolate peanut butter pie, and Gram’s cabbage salad. Seara had decided to try frying the turkey this year. Dad had talked about wanting to do it for years, so this would be the year.  She took a deep breath. They would get through this.

Michael and Alyssa would be there soon and she planned to spend as much time with them as possible. Seara was nervous and excited all at the same time. She knew her siblings didn’t understand right now why she had decided to move home, but they would by the time the weekend was over. She just hoped they weren’t mad at her for not telling them. Realizing what she was doing, Seara slammed her hand on the table. She hadn't bothered with that scar in a long time. Why now was it bothering her so much? She knew why, but decided there was no reason to go there.

Sucking down the last of her coffee, she rose from the table and headed to the grocery store. The trip to the grocery store took twice as long as it normally did. It seemed every aisle that she turned down held at least one person who "hadn't seen her in forever" and "was sorry to hear about her dad." Seara had no idea how to answer either statement and ended up doing a lot of nodding.

Seara was shocked to see the old truck in the driveway. Her heart alternately stopped and fluttered at the sight. What was Brian doing here? Michael came out to greet her.

"Michael!" Seara squealed, "How did you get here? I thought I had to meet you at the airport at six?"

Michael laughed at Seara's rapid fire questions; it was so the big sister he loved. Michael squeezed his sister until she was laughing too. When they were able to catch their breath Michael explained how he was able to get an earlier flight and then took the bus to the bus station. About a half mile from the bus station Brian had picked him up.

Seara having forgotten about Brian saw him standing on her front porch looking down at her. Seara smiled her thanks.

"Well Pup, I'm glad you're home." Seara told her brother.

"Really why is that?" He asked ignoring the use of his childhood nickname. 

"So you can help me bring in the groceries of course."

Brian came off the porch and walked to the car. Seara didn't even bother to argue as the two men hefted all of the groceries into the house. Seara worked to put the groceries away and then offered them both lunch, while Michael and Brian sat at the table catching up.

Seara walked over carrying drinks just as Michael asked, "Your family is coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?"

The drinks sloshed on to the table as they slipped through Seara's fingers. Thankfully, they had only been millimeters from the table; and so, no harm was done. Michael looked up at her confusedly. Seara had completely forgotten that Talli and Tria's families usually joined them for at least part of Thanksgiving if not the whole day. Seara was just about to explain that she didn't think they'd been invited when Bryan spoke up.

"I know mom's planning on it. Gram," Bryan said referring to Seara and Michael's grandmother, "told mom that your dad was expecting us around 2 o'clock as usual."

Seara could not believe what she was hearing. Michael and Alyssa still didn't know the full details of dad's condition; and now they were having people over. And why hadn't Gram mentioned that last night when they went over the final meal preparations. Seara headed out the back door forgetting that she hadn't brought the men their sandwiches.

Michael smiled at the man who was like a brother to him. "See she as warm to you as ever."

Brian sighed, "She still blames me. She thinks I abandoned her, but she won't talk about it. She's the same old Sea. Keeps busy, keeps moving, that way she doesn't have to think or feel anything. I thought maybe -"

*          *          *

Seara once again found herself at the tree house. This time she climbed the ladder and heard the creek of the wood as entered the old structure. Seara looked around. The place looked surprisingly good. Opening a small chest, she found an old journal inside. Smiling, she opened the cover. Hidden Treasure was written on the first page. Seara began to read the story she’d written so long ago.

Hi, my name is Annabeth. I live in a castle. I bet that sounds exciting. And a lot of the time it is. There’s always people around, and parties, and wonderful music and food. The ladies are always dressed so lovely and the men are dashing. I often dream of the day I’m old enough to attend. Oh but I’m not the Princess. In fact, this castle doesn’t even belong to a princess. Lord and Lady Dennison are loyal to the king. There’s been unrest in the kingdom for much too long. But thankfully, we live on the outermost borders and have seen almost no trouble here.

I live here with my parents. I came to them late in life. My Father is the head butler and my mother is a cook. They say, I am their special treasure. Now that I’m older I don’t seem so special. I’m just Annabeth. I help mother in the kitchen and take care of the chickens and other small livestock. Milking the goat is my favorite job, it’s so relaxing. Lady Dennison desires that all the children of the servants be educated. I’ve heard that it is a novel concept, I guess most nobles would prefer us to remain uneducated, but Lady Dennison, doesn’t care. Any family who wishes to send their children to the castle three times a week for tutoring is welcome. And as much as I love learning, I would much rather be running around in the woods with my best friend Xander, but mother and father insist. I had heard once from a wandering minister that obedience was better than sacrifice; and so, as much as I’d rather be out exploring, I take my lessons seriously. Many of the families do not see the point in educating their children, so I am grateful that mother and father allow me to, even if it does interfere with what I would rather be doing.

Our tutor, we know him only as Professor, seems to find the hardest work for me to do. And when that isn’t enough I have to help correct the younger children’s work. Mother says he’s pushing me because I’m bright. But sometimes I’d like to just finish my work and leave. I’ve tried not working so fast, but Professor knows when I’m stalling and only keeps me longer. So I work diligently as fast as I can, until he finally dismisses me.

Once I’ve finished I head out to find my best friend. Xander is always waiting for me in our woods. It’s the one place I can just be me. I wander in and out of the stream, my shoes had long ago been discarded. The crystal waters entice me to continue up the path. Soon I come to my most favorite spot in the whole world. I don’t think I will ever tire of this wonderful place. The pool is deep and clear, small fish dance below the surface. The waterfall cascaded white water across the backside of the pool. Sitting on my rock I dip my toes back in the water.

Where is Xander? He’s almost always here before me.

Seara’s reading was interrupted by the creaking of the ladder. Please, she prayed to herself, anyone but Brian. Blond hair peeked around the corner and Seara squealed with delight. Tria.

Tria looked around cautiously, “Are you sure it’s still safe up here?”

Seara laughed, “Come on, I’ll come down.” Next to Alyssa, Tria was the least adventurous. “How did you know I was here?”

Tria explained how she had stopped over after work to assist Seara with the dinner plans for tomorrow. Michael had told Tria where she had gone. Tria wisely avoided mentioning seeing Brian. Seara and Tria walked through the woods arm in arm. Tria was Seara’s pillar of strength, although she wasn’t sure she had ever shared that with her. Seara and Tria understood the depths of each other’s pain without ever really speaking about it. They knew how to comfort each other with just the right word.

By the time they had gotten back to the house Tria headed for her car. She would help her friend the best she knew how: a sleepover. Seara had perked up at just the mention of it. They would shuck corn, put casseroles together, watch chick-flicks, and eat chocolate. It would be perfect!

Single and the problem is???

I have some random thoughts to throw out there, you can take them or leave them. But either way I need to share them before I burst. I warn you now they may be contradictory and I'm okay with that. You will probably have strong opinions on what I have to say, and that's okay with me. So without further ado the rantings and ravings of a single woman...

First off it really bugs me that people feel that marriage is the end all. As if I'm not complete without a man to "complete me." I'm sorry but I've not met my Tom Cruise and HELLO did you see the whole first and middle part of the movie... He spent the whole time trying to get away from her, only wanting a relationship because of her son, but at the very end he says, "You complete me." And we're all melting in our seats because it's so romantic. Really?? He was a jerk! Honestly. Okay so back to my point I don't need a man to complete me! I am not an incomplete person because there's not a man in my life. My life is not on pause while I wait for Mr. Right to show up. In fact I think if I were to be waiting on Mr. Right, then I would miss him because I wouldn't be doing the things that I should've been doing.

Also, just because I say I don't "need" a man doesn't mean I don't want one. There are many things in our lives that we don't need, but we want. When I say I don't need a man, I mean that I'm not going to sit around crying because he hasn't shown up yet. There are things I need and want to do, and although I'm open to the idea of a relationship I'm also not going to hold my breath for one. Why? Because I want to live. :) Can't hold your breath forever without passing out. What do I mean by this? I'm going to do the things I know I need to be doing, and when opportunities arise the things I want to be doing, whether or not there is a man in my life.

I was at a bridal shower last week and I won a prize. It was decorative kitchen towels and an oven mitt. An older woman says, "Oh you can put them in your hope chest." What I was thinking and what I said were two different things. Honestly I thought I said the better of the two options, but I'll let you decide. What I was thinking was, "Pfft, I'm not sticking them in my hope chest, I'm gonna use them now, cuz I want something different when it's my turn, cuz these aren't really my style." What I said was, "Huh, there's no hope." Well in a matter of milliseconds I had my head bitten off. As if all my hope of everything good and wonderful in life only comes from being married. Well if that's the case you'd better tell all of those single women God is using in the mission fields, in orphanages, as teachers, and nurses that although what they're doing is okay, God can't make it great until they get married! My hope is not in finding a husband. God says that he is the one that gives me a hope and a future. Honestly, my happiness does not depend whether or not he brings me someone. I'm not hoping in "finding" someone. My hope is that God's will is done in my life whether single or married.

Please know I am NOT bashing married woman AT ALL. I desire a godly husband, that will be the priest of our home. I desire to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I would love to be in a relationship. I dream about my wedding day and celebrating my fiftieth anniversary with someone. But at the same point if that's not what God has for me I'm okay with that.

And so do some of my comments come out of insecurity yes. Is it because sometimes I truly feel that maybe I will be single forever? Yes. And I need to be able to come to the place where I'm fine with that. So if my comments upset you, I apologize. But truly I'm working on being content and people pestering me about finding someone is not helping! So if you think you're encouraging me by saying, "Oh someday you'll find someone." You're not. Because all you're doing is robbing me of the contentment I'm trying to find in it just being me and God. God truly needs to be enough for me, because no matter what a husband's job isn't to complete me. That's God's job. God's job is to be my all. God's job is to fill me, comfort me, sustain me. And so forgive me if you don't approve of the way I handle my singleness, but hey, I'm a work in progress.

I Love You More Than Bee Stings

Kid's say the darnedest things. Between church, neices and nephews, helping with preschool, and just generally being around children, I've come to adore the wonderful things children say.

The other day I had a 6 year old friend with me to run some errands. He had asked if he could go with me and I'm a sucker, I just can't say no. And honestly it's for my own selfish reasons. People don't understand, but kids rejuvenate me. I go see my friend Ashley for two reasons: one she is the most incredible woman of God you will ever meet; and second, she has six kids that literally refuel me. If I am down, tired, depressed, exhausted, or any other negative thing you can think of when I go to her house, I can not leave there the same way. They refuel me. I feel the same way about my nephews and almost all kids in general, until they hit those needy teen years (then I could take 'em or leave 'em, but that's not what I'm talking about).

Anyway I digress. I was out with my 6 year old friend and we were talking about the things he loves. God was at the top of the list and then he went through the things besides God that he loves. Honestly it was too cute. And then he said, "Know what? I love mom more than bee stings." I chuckled nervously because I didn't understand and repeated what he said just in case I had misheard. He said, "Yeah. I love mom more than bee stings. You don't think I like those things at all do you?" That was it I cracked up. After a few moments I explained that loving mom more than bee stings wasn't really saying much. I'm not sure he understood, but he made my heart happy.

So this phrase has been running through my head and I thought, "What do I love more than bee stings?" Honestly, I have never been stung by a bee, but I have had other painful experiences that I might compare it too. So here's something lighthearted and not meant in any way to be offensive.

I love my family more than a migraine,
my car more than a toothache.
I love my job more than a nightmare,
my coworkers more than a stomach bug.
I love my friends more than a flat tire.

Well I couldn't really think of anything else. So what do you love more than bee stings?

Hide-n-Seek

Hide-n-seek was always one of my favorite games. There was one time when I was eleven and at my cousins house for his twelfth birthday that we played hide-n-seek outside in the dark. I crawled up into the bed of my uncle's truck and lay there watching the stars. There were so many of us playing that they went through five seekers before they realized no one knew where Jenn was. It was quite funny actually because I was right under their noses the whole time. I could hear them saying everyone was found and who was the next seeker; and yet, they never realized I was missing. Well my brother Adam knew they hadn't found me because while he was looking for a hiding spot the second time around he saw me. He said, "I thought you were still missing." He was under strict orders not to tell anyone where I was and we were going to see how long it would take everyone else to notice. While I lay in the truck on this absolutely cloudless night I was able to see over a dozen shooting stars. The sight was absolutely breath taking. I laid there absolutely in awe of the Creator hoping no one would find me.

Over the years I have played hide-n-seek many times. And I've come to realize that I play hide-n-seek in my personal life as well. Sometimes I try hiding from myself and sometimes from others. Growing up as technically the "middle" child, you can sometimes feel that you're insignificant. I've often wondered would anyone miss me if I disappeared, would they even know I'm gone. And with those thoughts I withdrew mentally and emotionally from my family and peers, wondering, hoping that someone would reach out and say, "I see you. I know you exist. And I'm glad."

These last few months have been extra hard for me because I haven't liked the person I see. And so I've withdrawn from people. I didn't want people to see the ugliness in me that I was seeing. I've played hide-n-seek from myself as well as others.

My desire is to be real, but when you can't even stand the sight of the real you how do you share that with others. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about the heart. The Bible says that "the heart is  deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9). Never in my life have I seen that more, than I have these past few months. And honestly it sickens me. I was so sickened by it that I was literally sick to my stomach over it. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. It took me days of berating myself and confessing my ugliness to finally hear the voice of my father, "You're forgiven. All I see is white as snow."

Instantly I had peace in knowing I was forgiven. God didn't cast me off or disdain me. He was still the loving Father I'd always known, but there was still a problem. I didn't like the me I was seeing. Honestly if you could've seen it you wouldn't have liked it either. I can't even describe it... It was bad! Too realize your heart is so full of anger, bitterness, and hate. Yes HATE! Disgusted me! I understood I was forgiven, but that didn't change the fact that it was there. And I wanted it out! I prayed, and worried, and was sick. And then repeated that. The only thing I could think of to do was confess. I prayed some more and asked God to please take this ugliness away (before I confessed), but it was there. And I'm going to say this again I was physically sick to my stomach - a combination of nerves over having to go and tell the person I was angry and disgusted with the sin in my life. Sin I didn't really understand was there.

Finally, the meeting was set.

I was a nervous wreck. I wrung my hands, and hung my head. I choked out the words. And waited. I waited to be condemned, yelled at, thrown out. I waited for judgment. When it didn't come I was confused. Did they not realize how ugly I am? Did they not realize the bitterness stored in my heart? Did they not understand that at one point without realizing it I hated them? And so I explained again. Waiting expectantly for the cry of shock and then the judgment. I waited to hear, "I knew it. You're not good enough. I knew you were a failure. I knew you'd never be good enough."

Instead in a gentle voice full of mercy I heard, "How can I condemn you? I know my own heart." What?! Wow! I looked up and thought 'there is no way your heart is evil like mine.' And then I remembered those words from Jeremiah again. Yes their heart was as evil as mine, but like mine it had also been washed in the Blood, that soul cleansing Blood of the Lamb. And I thought wow God. Wow. God found me! I tried to hide my evil heart but God found it, cleansed it, renewed and restored it. The root of ugliness is gone. I'm so thankful that God knows what he's doing and that although I can play hide-n-seek with everyone including myself, I can never hide where God can't see me! And He loves me enough to pull me out of me everytime!

Real or Make Believe

Let me start by saying I love my nephews so much! They are the best kids in the world. And although I may be biased, I've also heard from many others (unrelated) what great kids they are. I say that to say I love talking with them. Nathan at 5 years old is the oldest, and Zachy is 3. Nathan is a chatterbox and will literally talk your ear off. So one of our latest conversation inspired this post today.

We were driving in the car and I asked him about his class on Sunday. Nathan at first couldn't remember, but seeing as I had taught the week before I knew the last few weeks they've been learning about the Miracles of Jesus. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Nate I know you've been learning about all the miracles Jesus did because he has all the ...
Nate and Zachy: Power.
Me: And we know that Jesus can walk on ...
Zachy: Water
Nate: Hey Zach I was going to say that first.
Me: And we know that Jesus took a few loaves of bread and some small fish and fed...
Zach: 5
Nate: A billion people.
Me: Well actually 5,000
Nate: Oh Aunt Jenny I remember now. My lesson was about the mummy.
Me: The Mummy?
Nate: Yeah he was all wrapped up.
Me: Oh Lazarus. He was dead and Jesus said "Lazarus Come out." And then he came back to life.
Nate: Yeah and he was wrapped up like a mummy.
Me: Wow God is so powerful he can even bring people back to life.
Nathan: Aunt Jenny why doesn't Jesus do that in real life?

Wow, that question hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to say well he can, blah, blah, blah. But instead of responding I took a moment to pray. Honestly this is something that has bugged me for years. We hear about God's power through the Bible and even from missionaries in other countries. But where is God's power in America? in New York? in Amsterdam? in my life?

And so here's what I told him. I told him that God is still powerful enough to do those things, and there are stories from missionaries today that have actually seen dead people brought back to life. But we don't see God's miracles a lot in America because people don't believe God can still do those things and so they don't pray. I told him that prayer is where our power comes from and that if his Nan or Pops died and he prayed for them knowing that Jesus had all the power, then they would come back to life.

Here's my question to you: Do you believe that Jesus is still all-powerful? Do you read the miracles of Jesus as a great thing that he did, without ever believing he could do that now?

When I was 17 my Nan died (my mom's mother). Before she died she lived with us. Whenever she wasn't feeling well I would pray for her. Sometimes I would ask her if I could, and sometimes I would just come up behind her, rub her back, and pray for her. One day a friend of hers was visiting. Nan had just learned a new truth in scripture about God's protection and she was sharing with her friend. Then Nan said, "Whenever I'm not feeling well my Jenny will pray for me and I feel all better. I always know when she prays for me even if it's not out loud because I feel better." I wasn't in the room when she said this I was in the kitchen, but I heard this and I was astounded. Wow, God is so good. My Nan had all kinds of breathing problems and was on all kinds of medications, but God was listening to my prayers.

Seventeen was an extremely rough age for me. I was a senior in High School. I was struggling with people telling me that God didn't call women to be pastor's. And on top of that I struggled really bad with depression. There were times I would cry out to God to "just take me." Whenever I was struggling really bad I would call my youth pastor and he would pray with me. On Mother's Day I had just gotten off the phone with him, and my Nan called me into her room. She said, "Jenny will you stay up with me tonight." I was selfish. I had been helping take care of my grandmother for over a year. I was tired.  I had stayed up all night the night before because I couldn't sleep. I had school the next day. I had tons of excuses. And so I said, "Nan I just can't." And in that moment I knew I needed to pray for her, and in my selfishness I refused. I told myself I can't even pray for myself how am I going to pray for someone else. Nan was taken to the hospital, I was there first thing in the morning and would've been there the rest of the day if a very dear friend of mine hadn't made me leave. I went and told Nan I loved her and would be back later, and she said to me, "No you don't love me, leave me alone." I kissed her anyway and left tears clogging my throat. Again, I felt the need to pray and again I walked away. After I went out with my friend, I had to babysit. I returned to the hospital after 9pm my mom was there. I pulled up a chair next to my Nanny and held her hand. Around 11pm my uncle came and I went home with my mom. Early in the morning there was a phone call and I knew it was about Nan. My mom called the house about 6am and my dad and I went to the hospital. She never woke up. I never got to tell her how much I loved her and most importantly I never took the time to pray for her one last time.

Here's the part I've never told anyone: Before she was taken to the morgue we saw her in her room. A Pastor came and here we were in the room: My mom, dad, uncle, myself, and Nan. She lay on the bed like she was sleeping. She wasn't full of preservatives yet, she was still just Nan. I stood there pleading in my head for the pastor to go over and pray for her. Pray that God would let her come back. Pray that God would do a miracle and she would wake up. I know the Bible stories. I know about all the people that God brought back to life in the Bible; and so, I stood there yelling in my head, "If you believe why don't you do something?" I was angry that he wouldn't pray for her, but I was really angry because I didn't pray for her.

God has all the power. He's omnipotent. He merely asks us to display the faith and ask. And so what if I had gotten over me and prayed? Yes we need to pray God's will, but what about the power that God has given us? What about praying believing and leaving no room for doubt? Sometimes I think we add the "your will God" because we're afraid that He's not going to move and we don't want to look dumb! This way we can say, "Well I prayed, but it must not have been God's will." Really? Really did you pour out your heart in faith believing God or did you just say the words because that's what you're supposed to do? Because the prayer of faith is believing God with everything. The prayer that  moves God's heart and hand is the prayer that leaves it all on the altar. The prayer of faith is the prayer made in humility that's not afraid to look dumb. Because you know what? It's not about you! If you make prayer about you then God's not going to answer because it's about Him! He is willing to do the work, if we are willing to humble ourselves and lay it all on the line.

People in other countries receive miracles from God because if God doesn't show up, then they have nothing. They have no choice but to come before God humbly asking Him, beseeching Him to perform a miracle in their life. And God shows up because they are full of faith. We need to come to this realization, that if God doesn't show up in our prayer closets then we have nothing!

So let me ask you, are you serving a God that is real and has real power? Power over sickness? Power over disease? Power over circumstances? Power over finances? Power over the enemy? Or are you serving a God who's power is only in the stories?

I See You

I had an eye opening conversation the other day, that I'm still reeling from. Eight little words totally changed my perception of myself. As I sat across the desk balling my eyes out in frustration because NOTHING I do is right, I was told, "I don't see you how you see you."

Wait what? What do you mean? You mean you don't see my world falling apart? You don't see me failing life? What? Are you really looking at me?

In that moment I realized something that hadn't made sense before. It's not all bad. Yes, there are somethings that are going wrong, but it's not all bad. Those eight words also forced me to realize something else...

As a teenager I struggled with depression and my self-image. My youth pastor, tired of me talking in circles (I think that's why), made me read a book. He was smart. He gave me the book just before I went away for a month. I think that was so he wouldn't have to hear my exhausting inner dialogue that I spewed all over him, as I battled what I was reading, what I knew was true, and what I believed as true. You see there are things we know are true that we don't believe. On the same hand there are things we believe that we know aren't true. Yep I just went there! But don't stop reading because you know you want to hear the rest of what I have to say!

So the book my youth pastor gave me is called, "Telling Yourself the Truth." I got that book and my teenage eyes were rolling. Why? Because sometimes we don't want help! We want to wallow in our self-pity, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Basically we want to wallow in SELF! Wow, that sounds like pride to me! If we change than we can't blame others, we can't have pity parties, and we can't stay sitting in our filth. The funny thing about his timing is, I was on my way to South Africa on a missions trip!!! Wow, talk about wanting to do something for God and being wrapped up in self! The two just don't jive!

Through the help of the book, my youth pastor, and ultimately God's Word, I came to some new realizations about myself. It gave me confidence know "I was fearfully and wonderfully made." That I, Jennifer Loveless, was the daughter of a King. And not just any king... The KING OF KINGS. It was such a freeing and liberating experience to know, that it didn't matter what lies were told to me in the past, God was writing my future and he had good thoughts toward me.

Like with everything, if you don't use it you lose it. Somewhere along the line, I began to forget the things God said about me and I started listening once again to the liar of my soul. I began hearing those old thoughts "you're a failure... you can't do anything right... no one loves you..." And to my detriment I began to believe those things. When one thing would go wrong, everything was wrong. And I tried to believe that wasn't the case, but I held on to the lies and deception that was feeding me. Allowing me to stay in my pity party. "Comforting" me. I say this loosely, because unfortunately sometimes we comfort ourselves with lies.  I knew the truth, but I wasn't hearing it.

And then my pastor said those eight words to me, "I don't see you how you see you." And it was as if God was speaking through him at that moment, because instantly I realized that God didn't see me how I was seeing myself either. And that God was sick of my inner negative dialogue and whining to Him about things that just weren't true as well. God says, "You are a new creation, old things have passed away behold all things are new... I think good thoughts toward you, thoughts of peace not evil, to give you a hope and a future... You are my daughter, I love you... I don't make junk... You are not a failure, you are more than a conqueror through Me... In your weakness I Am made strong..." My soul began to be revived as I realized that though it felt like my world was caving in God had not abandoned me.

God still saw me! And not the miserable, wretched me that I was seeing, but the new creature in Christ. His daughter, bought by the blood of the Lamb. Cleansed. Redeemed. Made in the image of Him!!!

Wow, I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could and did. I decided to change the way I was seeing me. And I know I'm not the only one.

We need to release the lies that have been spoken over our lives. Stop clinging to them for comfort. Stop wallowing in SELF! Stand up and claim the inheritance that God has given you as a daughter of The Most High! He has a plan and purpose for your life that you're never going to reach as long as your eyes are on you! God sees YOU! And not the sick, tired, empty, pathetic you that you see. He sees you. The you He has created you to be. The you full of purpose! The you that is brand new in Him!

God sees YOU!