Forgiven

I had a dream a few weeks ago. It was one of those dreams where I knew God was speaking to me. In my dream I saw someone that I'm not fond of at the moment - well let's just be honest, I'm extremely upset with the person. I saw the person and turned and walked away from them. I felt God speak to my heart saying, "You have an unforgiving spirit." Ouch. So I asked God to forgive me and said I would make it right. The person came in and I told them I was holding onto offenses against them. The person said, "Ya think!" And began to berate me. I got mad and walked away. Again I felt God telling me I had an unforgiving spirit. I sighed and knew I needed to make it right. I asked God for one more chance. I walked out into the hallway of the building I was in and here the person came with someone else, and I lost it. I was so mad, I began to have a temper tantrum. God again spoke to me saying I had an unforgiving spirit. And then I woke up.

After waking up I knew God was speaking to me. I knew I needed to make this right, but I was unsure how. So I prayed. While I prayed I could feel myself justifying my anger. And then I did what I've been doing for the last several months, I buried it. I decided I'd rather not feel anything than to feel anger. And so there it has sat, just under the surface churning.

The problem with emotions is they just don't go away because we want them to. Just because I don't want to feel angry doesn't mean I don't. We need to deal with our emotions. We need to bring them into submission just like we bring the rest of our body into submission. Our emotions need to line up with the cross and if they don't we need to make them.

This means taking time to acknowledge that they exist. Sometimes we can shut them down to deal with them later, as long as, we deal with them later. Undealt with emotions will stunt your growth and will bloom in other situations causing you to still have to deal with them. A lot of times if we become angry with another person, we lie to ourselves and say, "That person makes me angry." Sometimes we use not so colorful language to say that as well. But the truth is there is something in you that is reacting negatively to that person. Only by examining ourselves and our emotions can we properly deal with it.

Some simple, yet useful things I'm beginning to learn are:

"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." Martin Luther King Jr.
     We must live in the spirit of forgiveness. Not just burying our emotions, but truly forgiving people as the offenses occur. Even in our justifiable anger we must submit to a spirit of forgiveness. There are a lot of things we feel we have the right to be mad about; however, the Bible is clear - “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. BUT if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15 (emphasis added).
     Think about it for a moment... You have done WAY more to offend the Father (God), than anyone has done to you. And if anyone is justified in their anger it would be God. But instead of holding on to His anger, He sent Jesus to be the payment for our sins. "For God so loved the world that he gave..." (John 3:16).
     And here lies the key, we need to love people. Love those that hurt us, love those that use us, love those that have wronged us. That love lies in the spirit of forgiveness knowing that God forgave us, and if He did not even spare His own Son. How could we possibly hold back anything from Him? And He is the one asking us to "love our enemies."

Here's the flipside:
When you know you've offended someone, make it right - right away. Sometimes we try to cover the fact that we've hurt someone. We snap at them and then moments later make a joke or try to be nice. The problem is we were wrong and what we need to do is say, "I am sorry." Hardest three words in the English language. We need to lay down our pride and make it right. Don't justify the wrong you committed in the same way that you would justify your anger.

We need to live in a Spirit of Forgiveness, that means forgiving others and seeking forgiveness from others. Remember you have been forgiven.

My Reflection

I often forget that I'm thirty years old. Sometimes I feel like I'm still twelve or seventeen or in my early twenties. Because I remember those ages so vividly, I often feel like I'm still there waiting. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting to grow up.

I struggled a lot with insecurities when I was growing up. And because I remember them so well, I often feel like I will never get over them. However, over the past week I've come to realize something. Although, I remember my insecurities, for the most part, they are not a part of who I am. They are a part of my past, but other than being a memory they are not part of my present. I must be careful when looking in the mirror to not see who I was, but who I am, and who I'm becoming.

Sometimes I think I get stuck because I feel like I should feel a certain way - usually negatively - when that's just not the case. My old self is saying I'm insecure and shy, when although, yes I'm reserved and tend to be more introverted I'm not shy. Shyness implies fear. Fear brings bondage. And thankfully, God has delivered me from this type of bondage.

How?

Through my reflection. God has changed my view of myself. God has shown me who I am to Him, in Him, and through Him. I am loved, because He is love. I am beautiful, because He is my Creator and He declares that I am. I am priceless, because He paid the ultimate price for me. 

This confidence doesn't come from feminism or society. This is the confidence that comes from God. I've seen my reflection more clearly the last week. I used to have to tell myself the truth about who I was because I didn't see it, or believe. So I would literally speak God's Word to my reflection in the mirror. Somewhere along the way, I've learned to believe and accept those truths. I'm not exactly sure where. But as I was speaking with a teenager this week, I realized that the things I said, were said from a place of truth and acceptance. Not from a place of just believing because that's what I'm supposed to do.

So then if this is who I am; confident, free, loved; then, why do I still feel 12 or 17? I think it's because God has allowed me to see the reflections of those around me. Both of who they feel they are, and who He sees them as. I can so clearly see others two reflections, as I can so clearly see my own. And with this insight comes the responsibility to encourage others to see themselves the way God sees them.

So what does your reflection look like? Are you fearful? Self-conscious? Ugly? Anxious? Lonely? 

Then know this, this is not how God sees you. He has a special message for you today, You are loved. Read His Word, Speak His truth over your life. Allow Him to change your reflection to His. 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

Psalm 139:14