One Month to Live ~ Day 4

I love how kids minds work. I went to preschool yesterday to help my dear friend Mrs Hidde. It's the last week of preschool and there's so much to do. I'm borrowing a friend's car for the week and it's a standard As I was putting some things together I looked across the room and said, "I miss driving stick.".
Mrs Hidde said, "Michael drives a stick."
I replied in the affirmative, and then watched as a little boy looked around confused. I heard him say to himself, "She drove a stick." As he spread his hands out as if holding a stick. Then looked up at me and said, "Miss Jenn, why did you drive a stick here?"
I couldn't contain my laughter. We tried to explain that it was a type of car, but could easily see that he couldn't understand what we were talking about. If the child had been one of the teens I work with I probably would've come up with a retort like, it's all that's left of my broom. :) But seeing as it was a preschooler, I knew I needed to NOT go there.

It was definitely an interesting day. Pretty typical work day. I work full-time at a community residence for teens with a mental health diagnosis. When I first started working there I prayed almost non-stop. I prayed for wisdom, for protection, for courage, for everything. I prayed that I would truly be a light and that God would open doors for me to talk to the kids about Him. And did He ever. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I've slacked off.

The people I work with believe there are "ghosts" in the residence. So whenever I hear their tales, I begin to pray, because I am not going to deal with that! The Bible says, "Greater is He that is in us, than he that is in the world." Well let me tell you, I pray that whatever evil things these kids have encountered will leave and not torment them.

When I first started working there two years ago, there was a girl that was seeing a spirit. He would talk with her and give her messages. I walked into her room to see her reaching out to hug the air. I began praying. Over the course of the next few weeks, I prayed every time I was at work. About three weeks later, the girl came to me and said, "He told me today he had to leave and isn't allowed to come back." I held my breath waiting for the fall out that was sure to come, I was waiting for her to scream it was all my fault, but God's protection is amazing and I forget that sometimes. The fall out never came, and that particular spirit never came back! Thank you Jesus!

I say all of that to say, that I've slacked off. Last night my two co-workers came to me and said, "Jenn there's ghosts in the house and they were talking to me, going 'Miss. Miss.'" I laughed at them out loud, and then inwardly began to pray. The one was using his cellphone as a ghost tracker, who knew you could get a ghost tracker on your smart phone, but I wouldn't recommend it. So they gave me the cell phone and told me to take a look around the house. It was set up like a radar indicator, blue meant good spirits and red bad. I walked around the entire house praying again asking for God's protection, and that any evil spirits would leave. Nothing appeared on the "radar" and I said as much. The guy said, "Must be they don't like you."

Well I don't know if it's me so much as the God that lives in me. I say this to say, pray. The spiritual realm is real. We are in a spiritual battle and it's so easy to forget that. Remember, "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4). Prayer is where our power comes from. We need to realize that we need to stay connected to God. It is so important to be memorizing the Word, because sometimes there's not time to dig through your Bible to find the right answer. But if you're hiding God's Word in your heart He's able to bring it back to remembrance. He's able to show you how to pray and what to say.

So take some extra time with God today. Pray.

Some quotes from Chapter 4:
"A desperation to change is not enough. In order to sustain changes, we have to be connected to a power source beyond ourselves-a power that never wavers, flickers, or leaves us in the dark. We have to move from willpower to the real power that comes from a connection to our Creator."

"Communication and confession will keep us connected to the ultimate power source, the Vine."

One Month to Live ~ Day 3

How did Sunday go?

I have to say I really struggled with Sunday. I read chapter 2 and was trying to figure out what I could do to live more significantly. I prayed on my way to church asking God to show me what He wanted me to do. Show me where He wanted me to go. And I started to become frustrated because I feel like I've lost dreams and plans I had for my life. Not recently, but over the last couple of years I feel as if I've just been wandering through a desert aimlessly. I feel as if I have little passion or desire for anything. So I prayed God show me your will. Can I be honest... there were no messages in the sky, no inspirational thoughts, nothing. I walked into church with my smile on and was greeted at the door.

Three little words have always been my undoing when spoken with sincerity: "How're you doing?" I don't know why, but I got choked up. I couldn't answer. How do you tell someone you feel as if you're living a meaningless life: a life with out purpose or direction? And so I shrugged. And that's when this man of God took me aside and said, "Jenn all I want to know is how I can pray for you." I told him, I didn't know. He looked at me and said, "I want you to know you are in God's will. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. And you are making a difference." I couldn't stop the tears. God had given me my answer.

But I was still upset. Why? Because my life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Because I don't feel like I'm making a difference. So I pouted throughout the day thinking, why can't I do something great? Why can't I... As I went about my day doing the "little" things I began to understand that it's in those little things that I'm making a difference. In the hugs to preschoolers, or being organized for a teacher meeting, or helping a friend print pictures for her kids graduation parties. It's in those moments that I'm making a difference.

I thought well that's nothing profound, that's just me being me. I realized that I can have a life of significance by being me in the small things. By using my time meaningfully and not wasting it.

Today I read Day 3 ~ Time Squared
And guess what it did. It confirmed the things I had begun to learn yesterday.

"The mundane can become magnificent if we're plugged into each hour and each other."

"If you waste your time, you waste your life."

"There is great freedom in learning to operate with an eternal perspective and not just by the watch on our wrists. A regular time of rest and recovery, a sabbath, is essential in our schedules. We need to become attuned to a greater measure of time than mere clocks and calendars."

"Our value is so much more than what we do."

"Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don't squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us" 2 Corinthians 6:1 The Message

How are you spending your time? Are you making memories in the moments? This song just fits today.

One Month to Live ~ Day 2

Here's how Day 1 went: I went to my brother Michael's wedding! It was wonderful. Three days before the wedding his fiancee asked me if I would be the wedding coordinator. To say the least I was hopping the last couple of days! I had to work my normal shift Friday, but was able to leave to go to the rehearsal, then helped with decorating, went back to work, and then went back to help finishing decorate. I left there Friday night with a list of things that needed to be done the next morning. Saturday, June 1st started bright and early for me. I went to work, then picked up Michael, and arrived at the wedding hall bright and early at 9am.

I really enjoy the running around and putting the finishing touches on things. I love the adrenaline rush of getting things put together in the nick of time, and then seeing the beauty of it all. I love helping take away other's stress and seeing them relax into a day that was made just for them. It was wonderful! The woman who runs the place asked me, "Have you done a lot of these? Everything is running so smoothly. I'm never not needed." When I explained that I hadn't coordinated a wedding before, she said, "Wow, really? You're a natural. And everything is going great!" That made my day. Because there would've been nothing worse than if I had ruined the whole thing.

When the day was over, I was exhausted. Looking around and seeing all that needed to be done and collected I was a little overwhelmed, and then, like clockwork things just fell into place and everything was rounded up and taken care of in under 30 minutes. I cannot explain how extremely blessed I feel to have been able to be a part of Michael and Lilia's special day!

The next week is going to be concentrated on Living Passionately. So here's what I'm learning from Day 2:
"God did not design us simply to stand by and watch life pass as we wonder why aren't we more fulfilled. God created us to take risks in faith and to conquer the giants that paralyze us with fear."

"When you're operating on the basis of reason, all you can see is how big your giants are. If you're operating in faith, all you can see is how small your giants are compared to God."

Make it count moment:
Are you doing anything in your life right now that requires faith? If not, why not? Are you looking at things from God's perspective or from a ground-level perspective?

What in my life requires faith? Am I living in such a way that I need God in every area of my life, or am I living in a way that I can "handle" it on my own? Looking at my life right now I would say, that I mostly handle life on my own. I talk with God daily, but I'm not dependent upon Him in the way He desires. God desires to be our all. God is to be our Provider, Protector, Guide. And I tend to get in the way and say, "I've got this God. I don't really need you right now. I can handle this."

God doesn't want to live in the little boxes we create for Him. God wants us to walk by faith. Look at the examples He gave us: Abraham journeying to a land that God was going to bring him to; Moses leading the people of Israel; Joshua conquering the promised land; Esther saving her people from destruction; David being a man after God's own heart. And so many more. These men and women of the Bible had no choice but to rely on God every moment of every day. They literally walked in faith. How can I say I am a faith-filled person, if I am not relying on that faith for my life? If I am living in such a way that I can handle it on my own?

And so the journey continues... How will I live in faith today?

Lord, show me how you're calling me to step out. God help me to walk in faith, following your leading. In Jesus name, amen.

One Month to Live

I hate to say this and have been looking for the right words for a few days...

I have one month to live.

I bet you don't understand. I didn't either. What am I supposed to do? Not sure yet. But here's the thing: I'm going to be fine. I'm not sick or dying. I was given a book entitled One Month to Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. It challenges you to live life like you only have a month left. So I thought I'd make it fun. I'm terrible at keeping commitments that I only make to myself. And so this is what I'm going to do: Each day I will read the book and then post about how it's effecting me and what I'm doing for the day to live like I only had one month to live. I will try to post each morning since that's when I have the most time and start by telling you about how I lived the day before. I hope you will be inspired by my journey.

June 1st ~
I've read the first chapter and realize that I'm a huge time waster. I've charted my time; and although, yes I'm an extremely busy person, I have huge amounts of time each week doing nothing of significance (NoS). This is my term and not the books. I'm going to work on reducing my NoS time by half.

What qualifies as NoS time? Watching TV, playing on the computer, running around aimlessly.

What am I going to do instead? Spend more time with family and friends, more time reading my Bible and praying, and start walking 2 miles on my days off that's 4-6miles a week.

My end goal: Is to stop living in fear: afraid to take a step, afraid to make a mistake, afraid of what people might think. And start living in freedom. The Bible says, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." I want to live a life of significance. I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done." And not "I never knew you."

Here are a few quotes that really spoke to me in this first chapter:
"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives." - Alan Sachs

"Even as we engage ourselves in the present, we must think through the eternal impact of how we live."

"The only way we can live for eternity is to embrace each day as a gift from God. We must live in the tipping point between the everyday and the eternal."

My next journey begins...

Fiction Friday ~ Chapter 3

Have you missed me? Well I'm not going to make any excuses for why this has taken me so long, but I will try harder to post weekly.  So in case you've forgotten what's going on here's the last part of Chapter 2:

     Seara reached up and fingered the scar on the right side of her temple where her head had slammed off the top of the seat belt and cut her head open. Everything had changed for them after that, they were able to become friends again. In some ways they had grown closer than ever; and then, Seara’s mother had died and he had left her too.

     They were at her front porch, Seara turned to thank him for walking her home. But the look of compassion on Brian’s face stopped her.

     “I’m here for the week. If you need help with anything call me.” Brian reached out and moved the hair from the right side of her face tracing the small scar with his finger.

Chapter 3

The next few days were a blur of activity for Seara. Richard was released from the hospital Monday afternoon with follow-up appointments scheduled for the following weeks. Seara had gone grocery shopping and filled the house with fresh fruits and veggies. Gram had helped Seara clean and dust, not that there was much to do; Gram had kept the house immaculate. But Seara wanted everything to be just right for when Alyssa, her husband Craig, and Michael came home.

Seara absently fingered the small scar at her temple as she looked over the grocery list for the next day's dinner. She had everyone’s favorites: dad’s glazed carrots, Alyssa’s corn bread stuffing, Craig’s pumpkin spice brownies, Mikey’s chocolate peanut butter pie, and Gram’s cabbage salad. Seara had decided to try frying the turkey this year. Dad had talked about wanting to do it for years, so this would be the year.  She took a deep breath. They would get through this.

Michael and Alyssa would be there soon and she planned to spend as much time with them as possible. Seara was nervous and excited all at the same time. She knew her siblings didn’t understand right now why she had decided to move home, but they would by the time the weekend was over. She just hoped they weren’t mad at her for not telling them. Realizing what she was doing, Seara slammed her hand on the table. She hadn't bothered with that scar in a long time. Why now was it bothering her so much? She knew why, but decided there was no reason to go there.

Sucking down the last of her coffee, she rose from the table and headed to the grocery store. The trip to the grocery store took twice as long as it normally did. It seemed every aisle that she turned down held at least one person who "hadn't seen her in forever" and "was sorry to hear about her dad." Seara had no idea how to answer either statement and ended up doing a lot of nodding.

Seara was shocked to see the old truck in the driveway. Her heart alternately stopped and fluttered at the sight. What was Brian doing here? Michael came out to greet her.

"Michael!" Seara squealed, "How did you get here? I thought I had to meet you at the airport at six?"

Michael laughed at Seara's rapid fire questions; it was so the big sister he loved. Michael squeezed his sister until she was laughing too. When they were able to catch their breath Michael explained how he was able to get an earlier flight and then took the bus to the bus station. About a half mile from the bus station Brian had picked him up.

Seara having forgotten about Brian saw him standing on her front porch looking down at her. Seara smiled her thanks.

"Well Pup, I'm glad you're home." Seara told her brother.

"Really why is that?" He asked ignoring the use of his childhood nickname. 

"So you can help me bring in the groceries of course."

Brian came off the porch and walked to the car. Seara didn't even bother to argue as the two men hefted all of the groceries into the house. Seara worked to put the groceries away and then offered them both lunch, while Michael and Brian sat at the table catching up.

Seara walked over carrying drinks just as Michael asked, "Your family is coming over for dinner tomorrow, right?"

The drinks sloshed on to the table as they slipped through Seara's fingers. Thankfully, they had only been millimeters from the table; and so, no harm was done. Michael looked up at her confusedly. Seara had completely forgotten that Talli and Tria's families usually joined them for at least part of Thanksgiving if not the whole day. Seara was just about to explain that she didn't think they'd been invited when Bryan spoke up.

"I know mom's planning on it. Gram," Bryan said referring to Seara and Michael's grandmother, "told mom that your dad was expecting us around 2 o'clock as usual."

Seara could not believe what she was hearing. Michael and Alyssa still didn't know the full details of dad's condition; and now they were having people over. And why hadn't Gram mentioned that last night when they went over the final meal preparations. Seara headed out the back door forgetting that she hadn't brought the men their sandwiches.

Michael smiled at the man who was like a brother to him. "See she as warm to you as ever."

Brian sighed, "She still blames me. She thinks I abandoned her, but she won't talk about it. She's the same old Sea. Keeps busy, keeps moving, that way she doesn't have to think or feel anything. I thought maybe -"

*          *          *

Seara once again found herself at the tree house. This time she climbed the ladder and heard the creek of the wood as entered the old structure. Seara looked around. The place looked surprisingly good. Opening a small chest, she found an old journal inside. Smiling, she opened the cover. Hidden Treasure was written on the first page. Seara began to read the story she’d written so long ago.

Hi, my name is Annabeth. I live in a castle. I bet that sounds exciting. And a lot of the time it is. There’s always people around, and parties, and wonderful music and food. The ladies are always dressed so lovely and the men are dashing. I often dream of the day I’m old enough to attend. Oh but I’m not the Princess. In fact, this castle doesn’t even belong to a princess. Lord and Lady Dennison are loyal to the king. There’s been unrest in the kingdom for much too long. But thankfully, we live on the outermost borders and have seen almost no trouble here.

I live here with my parents. I came to them late in life. My Father is the head butler and my mother is a cook. They say, I am their special treasure. Now that I’m older I don’t seem so special. I’m just Annabeth. I help mother in the kitchen and take care of the chickens and other small livestock. Milking the goat is my favorite job, it’s so relaxing. Lady Dennison desires that all the children of the servants be educated. I’ve heard that it is a novel concept, I guess most nobles would prefer us to remain uneducated, but Lady Dennison, doesn’t care. Any family who wishes to send their children to the castle three times a week for tutoring is welcome. And as much as I love learning, I would much rather be running around in the woods with my best friend Xander, but mother and father insist. I had heard once from a wandering minister that obedience was better than sacrifice; and so, as much as I’d rather be out exploring, I take my lessons seriously. Many of the families do not see the point in educating their children, so I am grateful that mother and father allow me to, even if it does interfere with what I would rather be doing.

Our tutor, we know him only as Professor, seems to find the hardest work for me to do. And when that isn’t enough I have to help correct the younger children’s work. Mother says he’s pushing me because I’m bright. But sometimes I’d like to just finish my work and leave. I’ve tried not working so fast, but Professor knows when I’m stalling and only keeps me longer. So I work diligently as fast as I can, until he finally dismisses me.

Once I’ve finished I head out to find my best friend. Xander is always waiting for me in our woods. It’s the one place I can just be me. I wander in and out of the stream, my shoes had long ago been discarded. The crystal waters entice me to continue up the path. Soon I come to my most favorite spot in the whole world. I don’t think I will ever tire of this wonderful place. The pool is deep and clear, small fish dance below the surface. The waterfall cascaded white water across the backside of the pool. Sitting on my rock I dip my toes back in the water.

Where is Xander? He’s almost always here before me.

Seara’s reading was interrupted by the creaking of the ladder. Please, she prayed to herself, anyone but Brian. Blond hair peeked around the corner and Seara squealed with delight. Tria.

Tria looked around cautiously, “Are you sure it’s still safe up here?”

Seara laughed, “Come on, I’ll come down.” Next to Alyssa, Tria was the least adventurous. “How did you know I was here?”

Tria explained how she had stopped over after work to assist Seara with the dinner plans for tomorrow. Michael had told Tria where she had gone. Tria wisely avoided mentioning seeing Brian. Seara and Tria walked through the woods arm in arm. Tria was Seara’s pillar of strength, although she wasn’t sure she had ever shared that with her. Seara and Tria understood the depths of each other’s pain without ever really speaking about it. They knew how to comfort each other with just the right word.

By the time they had gotten back to the house Tria headed for her car. She would help her friend the best she knew how: a sleepover. Seara had perked up at just the mention of it. They would shuck corn, put casseroles together, watch chick-flicks, and eat chocolate. It would be perfect!

Single and the problem is???

I have some random thoughts to throw out there, you can take them or leave them. But either way I need to share them before I burst. I warn you now they may be contradictory and I'm okay with that. You will probably have strong opinions on what I have to say, and that's okay with me. So without further ado the rantings and ravings of a single woman...

First off it really bugs me that people feel that marriage is the end all. As if I'm not complete without a man to "complete me." I'm sorry but I've not met my Tom Cruise and HELLO did you see the whole first and middle part of the movie... He spent the whole time trying to get away from her, only wanting a relationship because of her son, but at the very end he says, "You complete me." And we're all melting in our seats because it's so romantic. Really?? He was a jerk! Honestly. Okay so back to my point I don't need a man to complete me! I am not an incomplete person because there's not a man in my life. My life is not on pause while I wait for Mr. Right to show up. In fact I think if I were to be waiting on Mr. Right, then I would miss him because I wouldn't be doing the things that I should've been doing.

Also, just because I say I don't "need" a man doesn't mean I don't want one. There are many things in our lives that we don't need, but we want. When I say I don't need a man, I mean that I'm not going to sit around crying because he hasn't shown up yet. There are things I need and want to do, and although I'm open to the idea of a relationship I'm also not going to hold my breath for one. Why? Because I want to live. :) Can't hold your breath forever without passing out. What do I mean by this? I'm going to do the things I know I need to be doing, and when opportunities arise the things I want to be doing, whether or not there is a man in my life.

I was at a bridal shower last week and I won a prize. It was decorative kitchen towels and an oven mitt. An older woman says, "Oh you can put them in your hope chest." What I was thinking and what I said were two different things. Honestly I thought I said the better of the two options, but I'll let you decide. What I was thinking was, "Pfft, I'm not sticking them in my hope chest, I'm gonna use them now, cuz I want something different when it's my turn, cuz these aren't really my style." What I said was, "Huh, there's no hope." Well in a matter of milliseconds I had my head bitten off. As if all my hope of everything good and wonderful in life only comes from being married. Well if that's the case you'd better tell all of those single women God is using in the mission fields, in orphanages, as teachers, and nurses that although what they're doing is okay, God can't make it great until they get married! My hope is not in finding a husband. God says that he is the one that gives me a hope and a future. Honestly, my happiness does not depend whether or not he brings me someone. I'm not hoping in "finding" someone. My hope is that God's will is done in my life whether single or married.

Please know I am NOT bashing married woman AT ALL. I desire a godly husband, that will be the priest of our home. I desire to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I would love to be in a relationship. I dream about my wedding day and celebrating my fiftieth anniversary with someone. But at the same point if that's not what God has for me I'm okay with that.

And so do some of my comments come out of insecurity yes. Is it because sometimes I truly feel that maybe I will be single forever? Yes. And I need to be able to come to the place where I'm fine with that. So if my comments upset you, I apologize. But truly I'm working on being content and people pestering me about finding someone is not helping! So if you think you're encouraging me by saying, "Oh someday you'll find someone." You're not. Because all you're doing is robbing me of the contentment I'm trying to find in it just being me and God. God truly needs to be enough for me, because no matter what a husband's job isn't to complete me. That's God's job. God's job is to be my all. God's job is to fill me, comfort me, sustain me. And so forgive me if you don't approve of the way I handle my singleness, but hey, I'm a work in progress.

I Love You More Than Bee Stings

Kid's say the darnedest things. Between church, neices and nephews, helping with preschool, and just generally being around children, I've come to adore the wonderful things children say.

The other day I had a 6 year old friend with me to run some errands. He had asked if he could go with me and I'm a sucker, I just can't say no. And honestly it's for my own selfish reasons. People don't understand, but kids rejuvenate me. I go see my friend Ashley for two reasons: one she is the most incredible woman of God you will ever meet; and second, she has six kids that literally refuel me. If I am down, tired, depressed, exhausted, or any other negative thing you can think of when I go to her house, I can not leave there the same way. They refuel me. I feel the same way about my nephews and almost all kids in general, until they hit those needy teen years (then I could take 'em or leave 'em, but that's not what I'm talking about).

Anyway I digress. I was out with my 6 year old friend and we were talking about the things he loves. God was at the top of the list and then he went through the things besides God that he loves. Honestly it was too cute. And then he said, "Know what? I love mom more than bee stings." I chuckled nervously because I didn't understand and repeated what he said just in case I had misheard. He said, "Yeah. I love mom more than bee stings. You don't think I like those things at all do you?" That was it I cracked up. After a few moments I explained that loving mom more than bee stings wasn't really saying much. I'm not sure he understood, but he made my heart happy.

So this phrase has been running through my head and I thought, "What do I love more than bee stings?" Honestly, I have never been stung by a bee, but I have had other painful experiences that I might compare it too. So here's something lighthearted and not meant in any way to be offensive.

I love my family more than a migraine,
my car more than a toothache.
I love my job more than a nightmare,
my coworkers more than a stomach bug.
I love my friends more than a flat tire.

Well I couldn't really think of anything else. So what do you love more than bee stings?